Blended Families and a 'Winning Recipe' for Life

Step-Family Moaning and Groaning
Equals a Recipe For Failure.

'Fruit of the Spirit Salad'
is a Winning Recipe Solution!
We believe America can rise UP and be a winner when it comes to Marriage and Family. WE CAN create relationships, grounded with a foundation of faith, that follows a more 'WINNING RECIPE' for Marriage and Family success.

In our work at The Bonded Family have not once found a engaged or newly married blended family that stated 'we don't care about how everybody gets along, or if we are all happy together'.   A fresh start mindset scenario like that just doesn't exist.  What couple would enter into marriage saying 'I don't care!'  It is within all of us to desire to have a positive and peaceful home. To live in an atmosphere of love, peace and caring.  We all enter into marriage and family with a 'married forever' vision.  'Happily ever after' still lives on in our hearts and is our desire for life.

Society and the 'quit when it gets tough' or the 'I deserve better, I'm out of here' atmosphere lends to why we have such a high divorce rate in America. Look around and one will see a propensity to 'moan and groan', instead of working to find a solution.

Our culture has historically not been supportive of step-families and that created an image that placed further dynamics and challenges upon a husband, wife and children.  Even upon grandparents, teachers, coaches, neighbors and all who was a part of the lives of the new family.  The term 'step' itself, which we are very cautious to use, reflects it's fictional story board use in Cinderella, Snow White, or even the 2009 movie release of  'The StepFather'.  

With that image and mindset, blended families can find themselves living in the arena where we find others 'accepting' even 'encouraging' an atmosphere of many people being receptive of  'moaning and groaning' about kids, or parenting, or the stepfamily situation.   Too easily does someone fall into the 'listen and agree', instead of 'listen, ask a question or two, filter through emotion and truth, and then suggest finding a solution'.    Can that be tough.  Yes.  Worth it.  Double Yes!

We suggest an immediate and extended family goal and guideline, hopefully evolving into a rule - which naturally will see human failure at times - that we live in a "NO MOAN OR GROAN ZONE".

Marriages get broken by taking the challenges outside the relationship and 'moaning and groaning' to another person, at work, in the neighborhood, or worse a member of the opposite sex that sets up 'special' communication that can escalate to further 'stinkin thinkin'.  Kids can easily find receptive ears to 'my (stepparent) is too ________'   Often 'the other parent house' takes a position to let that thought be nurtured to bolster their own position. 

Wouldn't it be a powerful building block for families and our nation if rather than going along with the negative...instead say 'let's talk about this, not trash another person, find a solution and just complaining won't get us there'.  CAN YOU IMAGINE what super 'happily ever after' foundational principles you are building there?  Our children watch us, learn from us, see how we face trials.  Finding the solution  is always a better teaching foundation than just 'moaning and groaning'.

Same can apply to a grandparent or neighbor or workplace friend who 'allows and fosters groaning and moaning'.  That's NOT a true friend or caring family member.  Listening...YES.  Nurturing turmoil and discontent...NO.    What kind of true ally wants to see another family breakup?   Shouldn't be an option.   So I issue a challenge here to ALL who come across 'Moaning and Groaning' to say 'hmmmm....what's the solution'.

At The Bonded Family, we believe we can, you can, change the culture.   We all can impact lives for good.   We strongly believe, and it's statistically proven, that having God in the mixture is a part of that 'Winning Recipe'.   "Happily Ever After"....can come true.  Believe it.

So you say 'Dan!  Okay I got it...what's the suggestion?'    I say 'Glad you asked!'   How about working on what character areas we'd like our family members to excel in.  Ones that will help the for life in family, school, sports, work and everywhere they go!

SCRIPTURE holds a solution as a 'what to nurture and work on checklist'.  It's found in Galatians Chapter 5, verses 22-23.  You'll hear this WINNING RECIPE called 'the Fruit of the Spirit'.

'But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.'
                                                                            Galatians 5 : 22-23

Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-control. Talk these over. Discuss what they mean? Would they help in the family? Can we write these on our refrigerator, bulletin board or maybe bathroom mirror? Possibly have fun cheerfully reminding each other in a positive way of each one. (pretty hard to take a stand arguing against God's Word). If we start coaching and modeling in our family things like Patience, Self-Control, Joy and the others wouldn't we have a real 'WOW!' Family? I think so.   Take the time to 'dine' on the winning 'Fruit of the Spirit' recipe this month.





Visit us at http://www.thebondedfamily.com/   

Read Rebecca's blog at:  http://www.rebeccasnell.com/

Listen to our radio program BLENDED FAMILY TODAY podcasts at either iTunes or at:  www.thebondedfamily.com/radioarchives

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BRING AN UPBEAT, ENCOURAGING AND INSPIRATIONAL BLENDED FAMILY CONFERENCE TO YOUR COMMUNITY, reach us at info@thebondedfamily.com
We bring to bear with speakers and family coaches always more then 70 years of step-family life real world experience and practical success tips.

God Bless You and Keep Looking UP!

BLENDED FAMILY SUCCESS = ASK - Then LISTEN !

THREE MINUTES A DAY = A "Listener" For a Lifetime

Make The Time.  Invest The Time.  Bless  The Time.

How often do parents hear or say.... "My kids just don't listen to me!"

Or kids thinking 'parents just don't understand!'.   Both sides are right at times.  We all fall short.  That's why God created family.  To give us the opportunity to build together a safe and secure place where God shares His steadfast message that 'His mercies are new every morning'.  (Lamentations 3 : 21-23) 

I was blessed to coach all of our six children in youth basketball, except one who was extra talented in debate and speaking so that was her passion we supported.  She WAS successful pushing around up her younger brothers - lovingly - on the basketball court in our backyard.  I smile as I think our boys would deny such an allegation of her basketball prowess.  I believe regularly the girls beat the boys in pickup games.

In basketball, most young players don't easily dribble with their weak hand (for a righthander, their left hand).  It takes practice and more practice.  I'd coach my teams to dribble, dribble, dribble with their weak hand, so the get 'good' at being able to use both hands successfully.  To have it become second nature to their game.

STEPFAMILIES REQUIRE PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE

Learning to communicate as a Family member also takes practice, practice practice... especially in stepfamily scenarios.  Make a point to seek out three brief minutes each and every day to share the clear message of caring and interest in a child's life.  Three (3) minutes.  Try to make it a habit - like dribbling with off hand - of INVESTING THREE MINUTES to gain a lifetime relationship.  You may miss a day, or two, but create a conscience effort to BONDING in your new Family and watch the results.

For years child psychologists have shared a wise piece of wisdom about communicating with a child.  The tip, is often forgotten and unused by parents, so it's worth repeating here.   EQUALIZE the height level and create eye contact from a level that makes a child feel most trusting. 

Come down to their eye level.   This automatically creates the 'caring' appeal to a child.  This very simple physical movement that can be a GIANT COMMUNICATOR for a more caring RELATIONSHIP.  And in blended families, relationships come before the enforcement of rules.  Especially for the non-biological parent. 

Social scientists study interpersonal communication. Their expert studies state that regarding actual interpersonal communication 'less than 10% in the clarity of the message comes from the 'WORDS' themselves.  Around 40% comes from our 'TONE OF VOICE'. Foremost, the most impactful form, over 50% of our true interpersonal communication is 'FACIAL EXPRESSION and BODY LANGUAGE.'

In stepfamilies this can be GIANT.  Pay attention here.  Remember this.  A 'brief gentle scolding' to a biological child is often just that, a 'brief gentle scolding'.  That child KNOWS your love deeply, from the first hour you held them after birth.  A 'brief gentle scolding' to a stepchild might be viewed internally to them as a 'giant scolding'.  They don't have the 'history' with you.  Remember this.  Just be aware of it.  It's not just your 'words'.  Check your own body language and tone.  Know it communicates 90% or more of your message.  We're not saying a scolding might not be appropriate.  Just remember that 'relationship' must come first before the ability to scold, for lasting success.

Remember...we can learn as much in life from our slips ups as we can our victories.   So if you stumble... make it a learning experience.

I believe those esteemed 'social scientists' who studied communications unknowingly may have gleaned their concepts and lead from the MANUAL for Life, the HOLY BIBLE.  Scripture, as always, shares WISDOM for the ages in James 1 : 19-20

'...let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.' 

In other words, LISTEN more.  HEAR your child's and your spouse's HEART. LISTEN for the HEART...not the words.  SEE their COUNTENANCE and what it saying, and not just react to a potential smirk or eye roll.  Speak only after you 'understand' their deep hurts, joys and thoughts.  Be clear not to jump to 'wrath' (upset, comments, judgement, etc) as that is not what God would advise.

As you work yourself into the routine of 'three minutes a day' keep it upbeat, positive and casual, especially at first.  Some sample idea questions to ask the first few efforts into your LISTENING time.  You don't have to ask them all at once.  Be casual and comfortable.  You're investing in a RELATIONSHIP.  It will take time and PRACTICE.   Consider questions like...
1)  Tell me what you think our family is doing well in your eyes?
2)  Tell me something we could do next week to hang out together?
3)  What areas in our new family 'pinch' your heart a little?
AFTER EACH....BE STILL AND LISTEN.

The key is...BEGINNING.  Then PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE.

Even LEBRON JAMES had to practice what didn't come natural.  So to be a championship level parent...practice championship communications.

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Want your BLENDED FAMILY STOCK to go up!  If you know of someone in the WICHITA KS area, share with them about the Saturday May 1st BLENDED FAMILY WORKSHOP.  The host church is Believers Tabernacle in Wichita.  A wonderful family oriented and friendly place.
Send your friends or family in the Wichita area to http://www.thebondedfamily.com/ and click on the Wichita conference.  Julie Ziglar Norman, daughter of ZIG ZIGLAR, J.J. Jasper, American Family Radio DJ and Comedian are just two of the super lineup of speakers.   Over 125 years of stepfamily experience we have compiled for this day.

Thanks for LISTENING and KEEP LOOKING UP!

Bitter & Broken ... to Better & Bonded

BITTER ROOTS in Blended Families...
Always Leads to Ruptured Relationships.
Break Free from the Bitter and Broken...
Get Better and Bonded!

Our friend Zig Ziglar draws his foundation from the Bible. I'd say that's a pretty good place to garner encouragement, hope and teaching from. Zig is noted for saying a couple of things. One, he detests "Stinkin' Thinkin'" and advise we should shy away from people who are full of negativity. In fact Zig also shares 'Positive thinking won’t let you do anything but it will let you do everything better than negative thinking will.' Where Zig is coming from is not self-help motivation but by his personal faith in trusting in a God whose promises are real and tells us 'we can do all things through God who strengthens us'.

Thanks and way to go Zig! Zig Ziglar is a person we could all emulate as he doesn't have one ounce of bitterness in his being! He thanks God for everything...even his trials. His life verse is Romans 8:28 'ALL things work for good...' Later this year Zig and 'The Redhead - Jean' will celebrate 64 years of marriage.  Congratulations and Thanks from America!

Across America today there are ruptured relationships. Hurts, Wounds, Divisions, Stubbornness, Selfishness and Bitterness normally are the cause. It is 'heart disease' at it's worst. It can be fatal to your spirit and your family. When it carries over as baggage in a blended family, it weakens the children's chances to develop relationships in a positive way. No parent would want to make that choice or to be a part of such a legacy of brokenness. We believe GOD CAN help you rise above the hurts and wounds. Ask Him. He's there for YOU!

Look ahead 10 years, 20 years, 30 years. Let's ask of each of ourselves, what attitude will our children learn from? Godly leadership or negativity? If you are a Grandparent, Family member, friend or co-worker, we also encourage you to be a positive role model by speaking peacemaking and no 'stinkin' thinkin'.

What will our children say of us....years from now.   Not 'during' the trials of this season of life, but instead after they have surveyed a little of life, marriage, parenting, joys and trials themselves.  THEN... will the true test of your blended family 'bonding' efforts be seen for the truth.  

Scripture shares in HEBREWS 12 : 14-15 ...

'...make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.'

If you are on the receiving end of negativity or some form of alienation or harsh words, be reminded that in Matthew Chapter 5, in the Beatitudes Christ shared 'blessed are the persecuted'. Some may say, 'you don't know'. We do. We've been there. Many have. It is a sad part of a broken culture we are working to reach out to and point upward. We can make a choice to trust God and let Him carry us all forward, or be stuck in the quagmire or the challenge of the week. Pray for the person coming against you. Pray for the children. Watch what God can do.

In a recent BLENDED FAMILY TODAY radio program, we focused on the concept of the "BITTER ROOT". We'd encourage you to listen to that podcast. You'll be blessed. If you are out there and struggling with a relationship, ask God for assistance. Ask Him to be IN YOUR HEART, not just conveniently AROUND when you need Him. Especially this springtime season, find your way out of the trap of being Bitter and Broken...and into God's way to get to BETTER AND BONDED.

Also...to read Zig Ziglar and Julie Ziglar Norman's outstanding new release "EMBRACE THE STRUGGLE", which is an inspirational read for blended families or anyone facing any kind of challenge... click here: http://ziglarmovies.com/embracethestruggle We're honored to say that the picture on the right we took and is in the brief video you see.

And please don't forget to visit our website at: www.THEBONDEDFAMILY.com

SEE and MEET JULIE ZIGLAR NORMAN live in Wichita at our BLENDED FAMILY CONFERENCE on Saturday May 1st.   Click here for more information.  

Remember...GOD CAN...
...take your stepfamily from Broken to Blended to Bonded.

So Keep Looking UP!

Upset and Angry about PAS? Turn It Over to God. HE can handle it much better than you.

BLOG OVERTURN THE TABLES ON PARENTAL ALIENATION (PAS).  
AMERICA MUST ADDRESS DISHONORABLE CO-PARENTS.
Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is real and an epidemic in America.   Even Jesus upset the tables in the Temple about disrespect and deception.

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know that we believe in "looking for the best in people" whether in your new marriage, your stepchildren, other people and especially... former spouses (the 'ex').

On our blog posts you are used to finding Encouragement, Hope, Patience, Perseverance and Biblical coaching in all circumstances.  That's our heart.  We coach 'take the high road', Trust God, be still and let Him handle most situations.  We've seen God do mighty things when relationships or situations are turned over to Him.  It's His promise that he will not let us down.  'Be strong and courageous' (Joshua 1:9) and trust in Him.

ONCE IN A WHILE  we come across a situation so upsetting that we have a hard time not sharing in the hurt level for a person. We have to shake our heads and say 'ENOUGH!'.

Today, I simply want to give a little attention to a group trying to help those who are clearly being 'Targeted'.   You WILL want to come back next post to hear the specifics of one TARGETED PARENT that we came across in our ministry and whose story has to be told.  

We want to give a 'shout out' to an organization called TARGET PARENT SOCIETY.  We are familiar with one of it's founders Christy Tusing-Borgeld.  We've had her on our radio program.  Heart of a giant, and truly wants to help families.  TPS is something she cares about and wants to change the nation for the better.  The goal of TARGET PARENT SOCIETY is to help all members of the extended family who may feel the wounds of alienation. 
You'll often hear them speak and publish articles as the....
Target Parent Society - Children, Parents and Relatives Awareness



Rebecca and I have both studied in depth, and seen in our work, the impact and the long-term affect on children whee any form of indoctrination, parental alienation or 'thought-seeding' occurs.  It is just basically abuse to the children and to their targeted parent.  It damages a child's in their current relationships, but more-so their FUTURE RELATIONS.    Like there marriage and with their own children.  Unless the American Psychological Assn and the Family Courts of our nation put a stop to this, we will have a generation of damaged relationships.  It is a SERIOUS and REAL ISSUE in divorce and we see it weekly in our work with blended families.

TPS is on Facebook as well as their website is:    http://www.targetparentsyndrome.org/

At The Bonded Family, while we believe sometimes the 'bully on the playground' (an alienator) should be turn back to and told to stop... MOST IMPORTANTLY, we foremost believe we should turn it over to God, be still and smile with the clear knowledge that HE CAN handle it.  Often that is so very hard to see when one is the 'Target' of alienation.  It is good however to know you are not alone.  The TARGET PARENT SOCIETY team helps people.  Check out their site. 

Wouldn't it be nice to simply KNOW that God was going to deal with a person who is willingly and intentionally seeking to harm a Father (or a Mother).  The Commandment instructs us...Honor your Father AND your Mother.   Not choose just one.  Or let someone denigrate or diminish or alienate until you stop honoring. If fact if you are reading this, and perhaps a grandparent, brother, sister, friend, co-worker of someone constantly alienating and working to take away relationships, then be a hero to those kids and tell them to stop.

We believe God will address the true alienators, as they truly are 'sinners'...against their children.  Let's call it for what it is. It's a sin.  We run into alienation or indoctrination in 60%+ of the families we work with that have spouses alive.  It is sad.  Our heart aches.  We want them to KNOW they are not alone and God can and will handle it.  It's a promise.  God said it.  It's written.  What He says He'll do, He'll do.   It may not be in the time or manner that we may want to see, but God WILL handle the accountability for their actions, and WILL deliver the consequence.

Scripture's instruction to us is clear in Romans 12: 17-19

Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,  “I will take revenge;  I will pay them back, says the Lord.

It is often hard to take that to heart and live it.  We have to remember...GOD'S IN CONTROL and HE'S NOT DONE.  It just might bring a smile to your face to KNOW...that we don't have to deal with the injustice, the deliberate and willful attempt to diminish relationships with our children.  God WILL handle that person.   Often you will hear the alienator justify their behavior with words like 'best interest of the children'.  Simply ask the question... 'OK, let's reverse the arrangements and situation for 6 months."  We've never seen a single alienator that is willing to do that.  That always shows their true heart, their true colors.

That's the key.  Would an alienator reverse the roles?   Then you see their heart of hearts.

There will be a PAGE TWO / PART TWO of this.  You'll want to stay tuned.
A real life alienation story is included.

BLENDED FAMILY ENCOURAGEMENT - "THE 511"

"THE 511"
Encouragement for Step-Families....
from a Terrific Coaching Manual

Last weekend we hosted another Blended Family Conference. We sometimes refer to them as 'B3 Conferences'.  We want step-families TO SEE that GOD IS ABLE to take them 'from Broken to Blended to Bonded!'.   Incredible couples in attendance.  Gifted speakers that truly spoke to the hearts of those there.  

It was Saturday morning early and I was reviewing in my mind my afternoon message.  Was pondering... "how do I truly encourage and lift up these marriages and families?".   Then I know the Lord 'plopped' into my heart, mind and soul (God has an awesome "Plopper" - the Holy Spirit), to look up a verse that 'plopped' to me about 'encouraging one another'.  

So I get to the conference center - in this case the wonderful and supportive First Baptist Raytown, who provided tremendous support and assistance - and I grabbed my Bible.  I knew that in the back of my Bible, in the blank pages, where I write down great scripture to remember, I had an 'encouragement' scripture. 

What a 'terrific life coaching manual' the Bible is.

There it was 1st Thessalonians 5:11...

'Therefore encourage one another
and build each other up...'

Then it hit me.  1st Thessalonians 5:11. Shortened up... "THE 511".  "THE 511"!    We all know call 911 in an emergency, call 411 for information, some places 811 is for digging info, 311 in New York offers NY services and info.  Some states do have 511 as road, roadside support or travel information.  Well, that's pretty good for an analogy for the 'blended family journey' huh?   We are on a journey.  And our "511' can assist you on that blended family road to success, and simply stated... "THE 511" is...  

Encourage one another.  Build each other up.   Don't our children truly need that?  How about your spouses?  It's been studied that for every one negative thing you say to a child, in most kids it takes ten positive affirmations or comments to strengthen back their spirits.  Goes for spouse too. 10 to 1 ratio.

Often times we focus on the negative in our families.  See the good.  Plant 'seeds' that will grow goodness.

How about if you are a Grandparent or a relative in a step-family situation?  Wouldn't it be powerful if you ENCOURAGED your son, daughter, sister, brother, niece, nephew, grandchild.  Due to the often challenging dynamics of blended family life, a word to BUILD UP the spirit of another would be a GIANT GIFT.

We work with Grandparents a lot, give them discounts to attend our conferences. www.thebondedfamily.com/grandparents

Our Daughter Amanda, while hearing Dad pontificate on 'THE 511" drew the below sketch as she set with us last Sunday in our Blended Family Fellowship at church.  We continue to be amazed at her 'eyes that see'.   Her sketch below shares a cell phone on the left with the numbers 511 on it...and the words'... 'we are on a difficult road.  We need to call the 511'.

I'd like to encourage you to read the entire Chapter Five of 1st Thessalonians.  Only nineteen short verses.  You'll find words that truly should be compelling for blended families.  Words and phrases like 'self control' (wise counsel in the heat of a moment), 'be patient', 'be kind to each other', don't pay back wrong doing with wrong doing', 'God did not appoint us to suffer', 'Be joyful always', 'pray continually' and here is one to think about and take to heart...'give thanks in all circumstances'.    Learn from the good and learn from the bad.

As part of your 'journey', we encourage you to continually reach out for resources like The Bonded Family and others.  As Americans we strive to get better in work, in sports, in health, in many areas... SO... PAY ATTENTION HERE!  Do it with your blended family life.  It's the most important.

Encourage yourself to read, listen and learn about how to be the very best you can be and to create in your new family a spirit of T.E.N. - TOGETHERNESS, ENCOURAGEMENT and NURTURING.    I'm not saying you'll be a 'Perfect 10 Family', yet if you simply strive to do those three... you're on your way!

Keep Looking UP!  

DAN

 P.S.   If you know someone in the Wichita KS area in a blended family, and facing stepfamily challenges, send them to www.thebondedfamily.com to check out our Saturday May 1st Blended Family Conference, featuring Zig Ziglar's daughter Julie Ziglar Norman and her husband Jim, nationally recognized comedian J.J. Jasper, Russ and Jackie Jones, the Founders and Publishers of the Christian Press, Al and Kay Betz of Outfluence.com.   Rebecca and I are excited to be joined by these talented and gifted speakers.  Again for more information as to the topics and to register go to:  www.thebondedfamily.com and click on the Wichita conference.

BLENDED FAMILY RELATIONSHIP GROWTH TIP #101: 'SEE THEM AS CHRIST SEES THEM'

"SEE THEM AS CHRIST WOULD SEE THEM"

Each `human heart` (person) in a blended family will have, from time to time, a member of their family with whom they will be upset with, hurt by, even angry for some reason, whether justified or often not.  Rarely is the first reaction 'I wonder what is hurting them?'... although that would certainly would lessen most escalations of struggles in relationships.

We all fall short at times as humans and thus upset feelings can be a common experience in blended families. Often our natural human weakness first thought is to fire back in response, attach blame, point a  finger at someone, speak ill of them, say something hurtful that can`t be taken back, or worst of all, throw up our hands and say `I quit!'

When a child of divorce, or in a blended family, thinks of a parent - biological or non-biological parent (step-parent) - as `being unfair`, 'mistreating', or `hating them`, or even using those famous step-words 'you`re not my Mom/Dad!', they do so from a place of hurt.   Often times, that thinking is a normal heart reaction of a youthful heart & their rationalization skills.  

SIDEBAR IN DEFENSE OF CHILDREN:  They've not yet grown up, nor are they emotionally equipped to see all sides of a situation.  Their kids.  Hey, they are not trying to save the world, help others and singing 'We are the World'... their world is themselves. :-)  Those who have parented teenagers get that.  Three word sentences, and a 'how's this affect me' attitude, is just plain normal growing up seasons of life, until we parents invest, impact their lives and share the 'Golden Rule' or other traits of unselfishness.

Your family may also be in a situation where one former spouse (`the ex`-  for descriptive purposes only yet we don't like that word) works to undermine a relationship with a bio child, or consistently `reaches into` the new blended families home with comments about the home, the new marriage or most damaging of all, manipulating the minds of a child about you, your new spouse or family situation.

If as you've read this, you feel 'you've been there' as an adult or child...don`t beat yourself up... or feel sorry for yourself.  In The Bonded Family ministry we say there is a 'No Cry Baby Zone', nobody gets to say "Whaaa!  Whaaa! Somebody call the Whaaambulance!"  You have about 150 million fellow Americans in the same situation and stumbling the same as you. :-)  And you will get stronger if you turn it over to God.
He can handle.  You can't most of the time or you wouldn't be reading this.

A Teaching Pastor / Author / Conference Speaker close friend and colleague of ours, Dr. Dan Erickson http://www.greateryes.com once shared with us one of the most powerful comments as to these situations, and how to 'view' the other person in the relationship.

"See them ...........
as Christ would see them."

Powerful words. Think on this. If we could view the situation, or the `human heart`, as Christ does as He looks down upon us from Heaven...might we pause...feel sorry and hurt for the person acting out or spewing hurtful words?

Might our new 'Christ-like' perspective cause us to act, speak and behave differently? If we could see these situations as God does, those hurtful words, comments or actions might be viewed as stemming from some wound deep in the heart.  Christ sees the hurt and wounds and wants to comfort.  We see the outward side that is creating havoc or pain in our world.  'See them as Christ would see them'.

See that child, your spouse, or even your former spouse as Christ would see them.  Try praying for them.
It's hard to be mad at someone when you are praying for them.  Ask God to reconcile, heal or change the dynamics of the relationship.  Sometimes...that may take time.  I had one man tell me "Dan, I believe you that God can move mountains, and change things, yet He must not know my ex-wife".  As I laugh, I knew that can be true, but I also know God is in control and no army is stronger than His.

God knows the truth. We believe families can grow to be `bonded` if they `look up` and `trust` in a God who can handle all situations, overcome the common barriers we all face, climb most of the mountains and slay all the giants.  

It is not easy always, but only through God can a step-family go from `broken to blended to Bonded`.

At The Bonded Family http://www.thebondedfamily.com/ we work with individuals and families and see hundreds of situations like this every year.

Remember, still time to REGISTER for the KANSAS CITY BLENDED FAMILY CONFERENCE.
Dr. Dan Erickson is one of the speakers, along with Julie Ziglar Norman, youngest daughter of Zig Ziglar.
She's joined by her husband Jim and their own blended family story is a special one.  Al and Kay Betz travel from Washington DC, along with Patricia Plumb of the Forgiveness Institute and more.  Rebecca and I would love to see you.   $69 for 8 hours of coaching and encouragement and tips is the best investment you could make in your family.

It's 2010! Throw out and bury those OLD TAPES in Blended Families! Be Encouraged!

IT IS YOUR FRESH START 2010!
THROW OUT THOSE OLD TAPES, OLD STORIES, OLD MESSAGES!
God doesn't make mistakes. Ask Him to renew you.
The past is past. His Grace and Mercy are new every morning!

We see much hope and encouragement for 2010. I believe it is embedded deep into every person's very being to appreciate 'fresh starts' when times have been challenging. God built us that way. To be OPTIMISTIC about our tomorrow's. To want to have the hope and expectation that we can and will rise up and break through a challenge. So, as we set forth into 2010...let's remember what....

SCRIPTURE ASSURES US...
'Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.'
LAMENTATIONS 3 : 22-23

Here's a shout out to those 1974 high school classmates with whom I shared 8 track tapes. Who could ever know that in 2009, I be warmly recalling and 'blogging' about Mike Behne's black and white Chevy Impala, hanging out with some 'best buddy names you ever have heard of' like "Behne", "Kozy", Scholzy", "Leroy" and "Doley", and that we drove around in listening to Bachman Turner Overdrive sing 'Takin' Care of Business'. On a eight track tape. Now...I am "Taking Care of GOD'S Business". We've come a LONG WAY from those days on the country roads of Nebraska. Miss those guys, but not our antics. Look up 'stinkin' thinkin' in a dictionary ...picture of us.

Sometimes 8 track tapes, reel to reel recorders and now even cassettes sometimes seen so out of date and irrelevant, that we laugh about them. Why can't we do that in life?

Often the wounds and brokenness of divorce carry over to the new marriage and fully discovering your 'fresh start' blended family joy. Often, historic, out-of-date opinions and 'commentary' from former spouses, or parents, or friends, at the workplace, or even churches keeps coming up. We 'hear' and let the 'old tapes', the old stories, the old messages dampen our spirit and our new family.

The "old tapes' messages come in the form of 'well, she'll never change' or 'he's a loser', 'he can't handle being a Dad' or 'she won't last with that guy' or 'he's always late' or 'that step-parent never plays with the kids' or 'teacher, call me, cause he'll forget' or whatever those 'old tape' sounds like.

They are not YOU. Maybe it's the OLD YOU...but YES YOU CAN start anew. We believe in YOU! God believes in YOU!

We say at The Bonded Family..."Throw out those OLD TAPES".
God offers you a fresh start.

Don't let your past cloud your future. Make amends. Say your sorry where you need to. Call your former spouse, children, friends, whomever and ask for peace. Foremost Pray and truly ask God for forgiveness and trust in His rue and faithful promise of a second chance. God is the place to go for second chances. Some of us He gives so many chances we wonder just how big is our loving God. Grace is amazing. We are going to make mistakes. Only Christ was perfect. God's promises are real. Count on them.

Become the NEW you. Don't beat yourself up over "old tapes". Throw out the 'old ways' and make your life an iPod-like exciting new message. Then 'download' positive and encouraging messages from the Bible.
What you put into your mind and heart is the direction you will take. What you read, listen to and take in is BIG. Take God's word into your heart. We encourage you for 21 days to pray daily, more like three times a day for your marriage and family. THEN...WATCH WHAT HAPPENS! You WILL SEE great and wonderous things...and say 'Wow! How'd that happen?'

satan (never give evil a capital letter) wants you to fail. Remember John 10:10 'the evil one comes to hurt, kill and destroy, but I (Christ) have come that you might have LIFE and have it more abundantly'. Take this to heart. Don't let the enemy get you to hear in your heart, mind and soul that your aren't worthy of God's love, His promise of a new day, and the creation of a new and WONDERFUL FAMILY!


In closing...these words from scripture grabbed people's hearts for centuries as much as they were made for YOU this very day to hear.

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come." 2 Corithians 5 : 17

You ARE a NEW creature. The old (tapes) are gone! Rejoice.


For Coaching from a member of The Bonded Family team, as a 'fresh start 2010 kickoff' we are offering a special Blended Family Coaching Program. For $90, we'll extend a survey for your 'Today We Start Fresh' review and analysis, one 40 minute get acquainted visit and 3 follow-up coaching session for 20 minutes each. Total coaching time 100 minutes for $90. We'll listen, assess, encourage, suggest practical ideas and pray together.
This is a limited offer to the first 10 couples who desire blended family coaching.
Write us at info@thebondedfamily.com for more information.