Obama 2nd Term like Blended Family Trials?

President Obama. Benghazi.  IRS.  AP. 
Bumps in the Journey are Appearing Weekly.

The topic of this blog post is Politics and Divorce. I'm not going to lambast any President. Don't believe in that.  Blended Family life is my the tie in here, or I wouldn't write.  A 2nd term for Presidents often holds bumps just as 2nd marriages do. Stepfamily life can lead to the 'opposition' pointing out all mistakes... broadcasting faults, slip ups, blame and antagonism.  Pointing fingers.

 

Sadly, ugly partisan politics permeates America today.  Turn on your TV... it's Republican vs. Democrats.  White House vs. Congress.  Conservative vs. Liberal.  Right vs. Left.  One side 'hungry' for the other sides slips.

 

For the purpose of this blog - while I hold an opinion on American leadership - I will move to the point. The wounds of divorce hurt children, as they are often damaged by the 'politics', games, maneuvering, court and custody struggles.  In blended family life the #1 'developing family', in a stepfamily, challenge - as measured in a survey of over 1000 blended families - was 'antagonism, indoctrination (PAS) or negative influence' from former spouses.  We've seen it in almost every 'touch' we have with new blended family marriage that is struggling.  "Reaching in" we call it.  It feels like a 'giant hand of negativity' reaching into a home, trying to manipulate feelings, rules, finances, relationships, respect and authority.

 

WHY is their often an effort to hurt the other home? "Hurting People Hurt People".   Pride. Selfishness. Need to Control. Anger.  One or both sides believe they have to be the 'better' or 'main parent'.  Communicating, sharing or mutual respect does not exist in their thinking.  This type of behavior diminishes victory for children of divorce in their lives.  Yet such destructive behavior permeate divorce and new blended family relationships.  No one wins.  Most everyone loses. Children, and the long term effect on them, get hurt the worst.

 

There is a cycle of thinking for you to review in your life, relationships and marriage.  Especially when working with your former spouse.  The "stinkin' thinkin'" checkup to do is this....

"FOR ME TO BE THE GOOD PARENT... 

                 THEY MUST BE A BAD PARENT"

If you find yourself needing the other parent, their spouse (stepparent) or their home life to be bad...check your heart.  What are you finding in YOUR HEART?  Shared parenting, respect, following guidelines, communicating and honoring the other parent, their new marriage (if one) and the opportunity for their 'Family' to succeed is impacted by the other home.  Follow the Golden Rule.  How would you like to be treated?

So...for  AMERICAN POLITICS or DIVORCE or BLENDED FAMILY skirmishes... there is ONLY ONE SOLUTION.  And that is...
"FOCUS ON SOLUTIONS and NOT THE OTHER SIDES PROBLEMS". 
Got it?  Get it?  GOOD.

The Bible shares - as always - some great wisdom on negativity.

In Ephesians 4:31-32 the message is clear...

'Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor,
and evil speaking, be put away from you,
along with all malice;
And be you kind one to another, tenderhearted,
forgiving one another,
even as God has forgiven'

Check your heart.  I have to constantly check mine. 
And...Always... Keep Looking UP! God is there.

SUPER SUNDAY & BLENDED FAMILIES

SUPER SUNDAY!  Ravens-49'ers?  

As With This Super Bowl,
You Can Be Sure That...
The Clock's Still Running
On Your Blended Family
... BIGGEST VICTORIES!

Sometimes in the dynamics of stepfamily life, we often feel like an 'underdog' role in our families.  Parents or children are often in an 'arena of life' that presents itself with bumps and challenges. We wish there were referee's sometimes.  Somebody to 'blow the whistle' or 'throw a penalty flag'.  This blog entry is about how to find our way to victory..... in the Super Bowl of life.  Even if you feel ONE YARD SHORT...remember... GOD'S NOT DONE!  CLOCK IS STILL TICKING.

Speaking of Super Bowl participants, I want to share a fantastic book and it's relationship to step-family life. In the last few years it has been my privilege and honor to get to know Coach Les Steckel, who is the President / CEO of FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes). In 2006 he authored his autobiography entitled 'ONE YARD SHORT, Turning Your Defeats into Victories'. It is a 'must read book' for blended family parents. The title is derived from the final play of the 2000 Super Bowl between the St. Louis Rams and Steckel’s Titans, a play that has been called the most exciting play in Super Bowl history. (I remember our family - half cheering the Rams, half cheering the Titans - as our blended family of eight watched that incredible sports moment.)

Steckel’s book chronicles his life journey and his compelling stories and testimony makes it tough to put down once you start. I am in the middle of reading the book currently. It is a 'MEGA-ENCOURAGEMENT BLESSING' book that offers us yet another testimony to trusting in God and His incredible Hand. Anyone in a blended family, adult or teen should read this book. It isn't just a sports book, a guy book, it's a life book. Moms, Grandmas and Daughters will love it also.

HOW DOES "ONE YARD SHORT" RELATE TO BLENDED FAMILY LIFE? Often in the dynamics of stepfamily life one feels like you are often behind, things look tough, it is 'fourth down', that you want to 'punt' and hope seems lost. That's when we really do need to 'put on our headset and call upstairs to get the next play to call'.  What I mean by that is to 'look to God for your next move, how to handle a child or marriage scenario'. He will answer. He may not always give us the 'play' we want to call, but the PLAYBOOK (BIBLE) we are called to draw from does not offer mistaken advice. Check out the playbook of life (the Bible).

Find a Bible that holds in the back a "Concordance" or 'topics list'. There you can find answers to blended family common questions in areas like... patience, perseverance, hope, forgiveness, self-discipline, encouragement and most of all the promise you can trust of 'peace that surpasses all understanding.'

YES YOU CAN be a Super Bowl Champion-like Blended Family if you let our Lord God Almighty lead you in calling the signals in your family. Check out your playbook (Bible) today.

For more information on Coach Les Steckel and FCA, go to:
http://www.fca.org/AboutFCA/ExecutiveTeam.lsp

BLENDED FAMILY DEMOGRAPHIC TOPS SUPER BOWL VIEWERS.
A ‘SUPER TO UBER’ SIZE COMPARISON RANKS STEPFAMILIES ON TOP.

More TV’s were tuned into the 2012 Super Bowl then ever before.  According to the Nielsen ratings system, Super Bowl XLVI viewership of 111.3 million viewers broke all records to become the most-watched TV telecast of all time.

  
We are a nation of football fans. We are also a nation of changing family dynamics and structure. Blended Families, often called ‘Stepfamilies’, has become the largest family demographic in the USA. 

  
In America today there are over 23+ million stepfamily households.  It is the largest ‘under the radar’ demographic in the USA, and one that grows daily with over by approximately 2000 new stepfamilies formed per day.  While the Super Bowl viewership can list 111.3 million viewers, the population of people living - or directly associated to in their immediate family - in stepfamilies is over 160+ million.  One could say it is a ‘Super vs. Uber’ size comparison.  If you are reading this and you are a part of (husband, wife, child, grandparent, etc) blended family nation and this ‘uber’ population, you are not alone. 

YOU and YOUR FAMILY are not alone.  There are people and organizations that exist to serve and help you.

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BLENDED FAMILY Lessons from a Walmart Morning

WHOEVER THAT DAD WAS...
HE SHAPED A CHILD'S FUTURE!
Follow this guys lead in your Blended Family.

It was a recent blustery, snow-filled Saturday morning and I was off to grab some waffle mix, eggs, milk and cantelope for a 'Dad's Waffle Breakfast Morning'.  Not enough Saturday's free, so I was excited to enjoy that family tradition.  Good 'bonding' time and hey, I even like my own waffles, so while the kids slept I went to Walmart early to grab the 'stuff'.

As I thought I would be in and out, little did I know I would leave the store with much more than food for family, but bigger than that...food for life.  To share with you.

While I was in the waffle mix aisle, I could not help but overhear the joyful voice, from the next aisle over, of a youngster repeating his Father's words and mentoring.  I heard the little voice say 'I am a happy boy!' repeating his Dad. Then it was 'I can grow up to do great things!' following the coaching, then an interesting comment that really sparked my interest,  'I look for the good in people!' followed by 'God made me special!'.

By this time those of you that know me, understand already that my cart was wheeling around the corner to go meet this 'Super Dad'.  Surely I thought I would find Zig Ziglar's first cousin, Anthony Robbins himself, or maybe just some high school football coach in a cap with a whistle around his neck who knew the power of inspiring his players.  Or perhaps one of those 'hired WalMart Greeter' people who usually are fairly fired up individuals themselves.  They seem to naturally have a smiley face on and love people thanks to Sam Walton's legacy.

You see the voice I heard, but could not see, from across the top of the waffle and cereal aisle divide certainly was certainly a character shaper and a giant of a man.  I wanted to meet him and shake his hand!  Tell him I love what I heard!

So when I spun my cart down that next aisle and looked ahead I did not see any of those wondermen of motivation I spoke of, but instead a man in a torn overcoat, scraggly beard and a weary walk.   After greeting the man and telling him how powerfully he impacted me from across the aisle top, he simply said 'I want Joey to grow up with more positive voices in his little head than I did'.  God's gonna make him better than me'.  Wow!  After hugging the man and telling him God's already blessed this little guy with you, I asked little Joey 'are you happy?'.  He smiled big and blurted out 'I'm a happy boy!'

I had earlier especially been taken by the boy following the wisdom of... "I look for the good in people". Worth repeating. 'Look for the good in people'.

Especially in stepfamilies, too often a parent or child is 'looking for error' in a relationship instead of following that wonderful wisdom...'look for the good'.

Blended Families or any family.   Learn from a scraggly bearded man, who might just have been an angel so I can share this story with you.  Encourage your children.  Be a positive and Godly force that echos into their future.

Scripture shares in Proverbs Chapter 17 and Verse 22...

A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

Go tell somebody THREE THINGS that you like about them.
It will be...good medicine.  And God just may give you one more step on the journey 'from Broken to Blended to BONDED'.

Visit our website    http://www.thebondedfamily.com/

Keep Looking UP!

Upset and Angry about PAS? Turn It Over to God. HE can handle it much better than you.

BLOG OVERTURN THE TABLES ON PARENTAL ALIENATION (PAS).  
AMERICA MUST ADDRESS DISHONORABLE CO-PARENTS.
Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is real and an epidemic in America.   Even Jesus upset the tables in the Temple about disrespect and deception.

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know that we believe in "looking for the best in people" whether in your new marriage, your stepchildren, other people and especially... former spouses (the 'ex').

On our blog posts you are used to finding Encouragement, Hope, Patience, Perseverance and Biblical coaching in all circumstances.  That's our heart.  We coach 'take the high road', Trust God, be still and let Him handle most situations.  We've seen God do mighty things when relationships or situations are turned over to Him.  It's His promise that he will not let us down.  'Be strong and courageous' (Joshua 1:9) and trust in Him.

ONCE IN A WHILE  we come across a situation so upsetting that we have a hard time not sharing in the hurt level for a person. We have to shake our heads and say 'ENOUGH!'.

Today, I simply want to give a little attention to a group trying to help those who are clearly being 'Targeted'.   You WILL want to come back next post to hear the specifics of one TARGETED PARENT that we came across in our ministry and whose story has to be told.  

We want to give a 'shout out' to an organization called TARGET PARENT SOCIETY.  We are familiar with one of it's founders Christy Tusing-Borgeld.  We've had her on our radio program.  Heart of a giant, and truly wants to help families.  TPS is something she cares about and wants to change the nation for the better.  The goal of TARGET PARENT SOCIETY is to help all members of the extended family who may feel the wounds of alienation. 
You'll often hear them speak and publish articles as the....
Target Parent Society - Children, Parents and Relatives Awareness



Rebecca and I have both studied in depth, and seen in our work, the impact and the long-term affect on children whee any form of indoctrination, parental alienation or 'thought-seeding' occurs.  It is just basically abuse to the children and to their targeted parent.  It damages a child's in their current relationships, but more-so their FUTURE RELATIONS.    Like there marriage and with their own children.  Unless the American Psychological Assn and the Family Courts of our nation put a stop to this, we will have a generation of damaged relationships.  It is a SERIOUS and REAL ISSUE in divorce and we see it weekly in our work with blended families.

TPS is on Facebook as well as their website is:    http://www.targetparentsyndrome.org/

At The Bonded Family, while we believe sometimes the 'bully on the playground' (an alienator) should be turn back to and told to stop... MOST IMPORTANTLY, we foremost believe we should turn it over to God, be still and smile with the clear knowledge that HE CAN handle it.  Often that is so very hard to see when one is the 'Target' of alienation.  It is good however to know you are not alone.  The TARGET PARENT SOCIETY team helps people.  Check out their site. 

Wouldn't it be nice to simply KNOW that God was going to deal with a person who is willingly and intentionally seeking to harm a Father (or a Mother).  The Commandment instructs us...Honor your Father AND your Mother.   Not choose just one.  Or let someone denigrate or diminish or alienate until you stop honoring. If fact if you are reading this, and perhaps a grandparent, brother, sister, friend, co-worker of someone constantly alienating and working to take away relationships, then be a hero to those kids and tell them to stop.

We believe God will address the true alienators, as they truly are 'sinners'...against their children.  Let's call it for what it is. It's a sin.  We run into alienation or indoctrination in 60%+ of the families we work with that have spouses alive.  It is sad.  Our heart aches.  We want them to KNOW they are not alone and God can and will handle it.  It's a promise.  God said it.  It's written.  What He says He'll do, He'll do.   It may not be in the time or manner that we may want to see, but God WILL handle the accountability for their actions, and WILL deliver the consequence.

Scripture's instruction to us is clear in Romans 12: 17-19

Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,  “I will take revenge;  I will pay them back, says the Lord.

It is often hard to take that to heart and live it.  We have to remember...GOD'S IN CONTROL and HE'S NOT DONE.  It just might bring a smile to your face to KNOW...that we don't have to deal with the injustice, the deliberate and willful attempt to diminish relationships with our children.  God WILL handle that person.   Often you will hear the alienator justify their behavior with words like 'best interest of the children'.  Simply ask the question... 'OK, let's reverse the arrangements and situation for 6 months."  We've never seen a single alienator that is willing to do that.  That always shows their true heart, their true colors.

That's the key.  Would an alienator reverse the roles?   Then you see their heart of hearts.

There will be a PAGE TWO / PART TWO of this.  You'll want to stay tuned.
A real life alienation story is included.

We (Wii) Are Family ! GAMES TOGETHER Can Raise Up Blended Family Life! Even improve VISION!

A VIDEO GAME THAT WEAVES A BLENDED FAMILY TOGETHER!
Wii CAN MAKE BLENDED FAMILY TIME BONDING TIME.

There is all kinds of research that set forth caution and warning of too much video game time for youth. Likewise I've read studies that the games can actually help in some cases mental quickness and acuity. XBox, PSP, PS2, Wii, Nitendo DS and others do seem to grab a large slice of America's children's attention. Many parents limit video game and TV time, and that is wise counsel.

It's Christmas time. More opportunity to bond as a family. Use it or lose it. We encourage you to make the best of the time together.

At The Bonded Family we enthusiastically suggest blended family game time. Treasure the time. Plan for it. Let it be a special time unique to your family. A TRADITION for your family. Perhaps play a game prior to a Family Summit time (we talk about this in conferences). Use the time as a catalyst to unity and fun. Sometimes everyone 'playing' together can help bring down 'strongholds'.

We believe a family that plays together and prays together....... will stay together.

The Bible holds solid counsel to check where our treasures, our hearts, our eyes and our spirit's are. Attitude is everything. Trust God to change hearts and attitudes.

In Matthew 6, verses 21 and 22 holds a message to blended families. To treasure one another by 'seeing' one another and the 'whole body' of the new blended family with good eyes, not critical or negative eyes.

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. The lamp of the body is the eye. If therefore your eye is good, your whole body will be full of light."
MATTHEW 6 : 21-22

God provides an important message to any age family member there. Parents and Children. Where are our eyes focused?? Importantly in the Christmas season, or any holiday time, we'd like to encourage with this message and include Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles or other people who sometimes impact thinking. If our EYES work to 'look for the good' instead of the shortcomings or flaws, then the 'whole body' of the new family will be more filled with happiness.

In our household, and we have heard from others, that video games that include many family members - children and adults - actually brings laughter, joy, teamwork, playing honorably,fun rivalries and foremost... BONDING MEMORIES.

We own a Wii game. Four controllers, means four people at once. (We are not endorsing one 'system' over another just complementing Nitendo Wii for it's games and inclusive ability) Besides enjoying and seeing via family game time that I still posess "age defying lightning quickness" -- hmmm...along with humility? :-) -- we so enjoy the laughter and joy that comes from the 'time together'. There is nothing better than high fives and belly laughter to bring people together. That is the key...the TIME TOGETHER. TIME TOGETHER can equal BONDING MEMORIES.

Now...there can sometimes be reluctant participants mostly spirit of the heart, stubborness, fear, etc. Pretty much anything the evil one can muster against your family. Look UPward and ask God, then look INward and see what your heart holds.

Remember John 10:10 (grab your Bible and check it out). satan wants to take out your family, wants to hurt you and destroy your family life. YOU CAN WIN THIS BATTLE. Jesus came that we might have Life! And He means for us all - when we trust in Him - blended family life!

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God Can Refresh Blended Families!

Rain Refreshed the Morning Sky.
GOD CAN Refresh Your Blended Family!

This morning as I was driving, I noticed the crispness of the air, the sparkle of the morning as the sun was rising. The clouds were parting. The sun was shining brightly through. It was a 'Wow' type moment. The previous night's heavy rain had cleansed the atmosphere. It reminded me of the promise that God's mercies are new every morning. That HE can shine brightly through the step-family struggles of life. If we trust Him and seek Him.

Just then the song 'Who Am I' by Casting Crowns came on. The video is below. There I was, smiling, singing, basking in the new morning sun and the song. I was pumped up. God was giving me a special encouragement treat that moment.

Be still for one moment. Focus on the words of this song.
BE BIGTIME ENCOURAGED !


WHO AM I? That God would care to help me through my struggles. Catch ME when I'm falling. Know my hurts and troubles. Care. Want to be there for me?

At The Bonded Family we work with families all over the country to set forth HOPE and ENCOURAGEMENT through growing in one's faith and trust in God. Given the current economic challenges, the struggles are heightened. Now, more than ever, there needs to be a Rock to stand on.

God is the best way to take a step-family...from Broken to Blended to Bonded. If we BOND to God, lift up our issues to Him, it is easier to see the 'new morning sun' and understand it. No, all the trials, challenges, hurts, struggles and pain won't just go away. We understand that. Rebecca and I still feel weekly the fallout and the consequences of family life apart from how God had originally planned for it. What you can be assured in, is that His plan for us, for you and your family, is a good one if we ask Him to help us in our new circumstances. This I can tell you. I am weak. HE is strong. If the worldly solutions were the better answer, why would the divorce rate in step-families hover at 70%, while the divorce rate of husbands and wives that pray TOGETHER daily be less than 10%. Do the math. :-) Trust the Lord.

God is the God of second chances. We can focus on the trouble, or Him. It's like as a child playing tag, and there is a base to run to where you are 'safe'. God is that 'base', He is the Rock. His Word is true. His promises real. His strength and protection are there if you call upon Him. He is in the fresh start business. The miracle business. We have seen it. We have lived it. YOU CAN TOO.

BELIEVE AGAIN ! Visit us at www.thebondedfamily.com

If you have friends or family in step-family situations in NW Arkansas... call them and tell them about Nov 14 and 15th. See next blogpost about the National Center for Fathering Championship Fathering Conference.