BLENDED FAMILY SUCCESS = ASK - Then LISTEN !

THREE MINUTES A DAY = A "Listener" For a Lifetime

Make The Time.  Invest The Time.  Bless  The Time.

How often do parents hear or say.... "My kids just don't listen to me!"

Or kids thinking 'parents just don't understand!'.   Both sides are right at times.  We all fall short.  That's why God created family.  To give us the opportunity to build together a safe and secure place where God shares His steadfast message that 'His mercies are new every morning'.  (Lamentations 3 : 21-23) 

I was blessed to coach all of our six children in youth basketball, except one who was extra talented in debate and speaking so that was her passion we supported.  She WAS successful pushing around up her younger brothers - lovingly - on the basketball court in our backyard.  I smile as I think our boys would deny such an allegation of her basketball prowess.  I believe regularly the girls beat the boys in pickup games.

In basketball, most young players don't easily dribble with their weak hand (for a righthander, their left hand).  It takes practice and more practice.  I'd coach my teams to dribble, dribble, dribble with their weak hand, so the get 'good' at being able to use both hands successfully.  To have it become second nature to their game.

STEPFAMILIES REQUIRE PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE

Learning to communicate as a Family member also takes practice, practice practice... especially in stepfamily scenarios.  Make a point to seek out three brief minutes each and every day to share the clear message of caring and interest in a child's life.  Three (3) minutes.  Try to make it a habit - like dribbling with off hand - of INVESTING THREE MINUTES to gain a lifetime relationship.  You may miss a day, or two, but create a conscience effort to BONDING in your new Family and watch the results.

For years child psychologists have shared a wise piece of wisdom about communicating with a child.  The tip, is often forgotten and unused by parents, so it's worth repeating here.   EQUALIZE the height level and create eye contact from a level that makes a child feel most trusting. 

Come down to their eye level.   This automatically creates the 'caring' appeal to a child.  This very simple physical movement that can be a GIANT COMMUNICATOR for a more caring RELATIONSHIP.  And in blended families, relationships come before the enforcement of rules.  Especially for the non-biological parent. 

Social scientists study interpersonal communication. Their expert studies state that regarding actual interpersonal communication 'less than 10% in the clarity of the message comes from the 'WORDS' themselves.  Around 40% comes from our 'TONE OF VOICE'. Foremost, the most impactful form, over 50% of our true interpersonal communication is 'FACIAL EXPRESSION and BODY LANGUAGE.'

In stepfamilies this can be GIANT.  Pay attention here.  Remember this.  A 'brief gentle scolding' to a biological child is often just that, a 'brief gentle scolding'.  That child KNOWS your love deeply, from the first hour you held them after birth.  A 'brief gentle scolding' to a stepchild might be viewed internally to them as a 'giant scolding'.  They don't have the 'history' with you.  Remember this.  Just be aware of it.  It's not just your 'words'.  Check your own body language and tone.  Know it communicates 90% or more of your message.  We're not saying a scolding might not be appropriate.  Just remember that 'relationship' must come first before the ability to scold, for lasting success.

Remember...we can learn as much in life from our slips ups as we can our victories.   So if you stumble... make it a learning experience.

I believe those esteemed 'social scientists' who studied communications unknowingly may have gleaned their concepts and lead from the MANUAL for Life, the HOLY BIBLE.  Scripture, as always, shares WISDOM for the ages in James 1 : 19-20

'...let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.' 

In other words, LISTEN more.  HEAR your child's and your spouse's HEART. LISTEN for the HEART...not the words.  SEE their COUNTENANCE and what it saying, and not just react to a potential smirk or eye roll.  Speak only after you 'understand' their deep hurts, joys and thoughts.  Be clear not to jump to 'wrath' (upset, comments, judgement, etc) as that is not what God would advise.

As you work yourself into the routine of 'three minutes a day' keep it upbeat, positive and casual, especially at first.  Some sample idea questions to ask the first few efforts into your LISTENING time.  You don't have to ask them all at once.  Be casual and comfortable.  You're investing in a RELATIONSHIP.  It will take time and PRACTICE.   Consider questions like...
1)  Tell me what you think our family is doing well in your eyes?
2)  Tell me something we could do next week to hang out together?
3)  What areas in our new family 'pinch' your heart a little?
AFTER EACH....BE STILL AND LISTEN.

The key is...BEGINNING.  Then PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE.

Even LEBRON JAMES had to practice what didn't come natural.  So to be a championship level parent...practice championship communications.

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Want your BLENDED FAMILY STOCK to go up!  If you know of someone in the WICHITA KS area, share with them about the Saturday May 1st BLENDED FAMILY WORKSHOP.  The host church is Believers Tabernacle in Wichita.  A wonderful family oriented and friendly place.
Send your friends or family in the Wichita area to http://www.thebondedfamily.com/ and click on the Wichita conference.  Julie Ziglar Norman, daughter of ZIG ZIGLAR, J.J. Jasper, American Family Radio DJ and Comedian are just two of the super lineup of speakers.   Over 125 years of stepfamily experience we have compiled for this day.

Thanks for LISTENING and KEEP LOOKING UP!

Bitter & Broken ... to Better & Bonded

BITTER ROOTS in Blended Families...
Always Leads to Ruptured Relationships.
Break Free from the Bitter and Broken...
Get Better and Bonded!

Our friend Zig Ziglar draws his foundation from the Bible. I'd say that's a pretty good place to garner encouragement, hope and teaching from. Zig is noted for saying a couple of things. One, he detests "Stinkin' Thinkin'" and advise we should shy away from people who are full of negativity. In fact Zig also shares 'Positive thinking won’t let you do anything but it will let you do everything better than negative thinking will.' Where Zig is coming from is not self-help motivation but by his personal faith in trusting in a God whose promises are real and tells us 'we can do all things through God who strengthens us'.

Thanks and way to go Zig! Zig Ziglar is a person we could all emulate as he doesn't have one ounce of bitterness in his being! He thanks God for everything...even his trials. His life verse is Romans 8:28 'ALL things work for good...' Later this year Zig and 'The Redhead - Jean' will celebrate 64 years of marriage.  Congratulations and Thanks from America!

Across America today there are ruptured relationships. Hurts, Wounds, Divisions, Stubbornness, Selfishness and Bitterness normally are the cause. It is 'heart disease' at it's worst. It can be fatal to your spirit and your family. When it carries over as baggage in a blended family, it weakens the children's chances to develop relationships in a positive way. No parent would want to make that choice or to be a part of such a legacy of brokenness. We believe GOD CAN help you rise above the hurts and wounds. Ask Him. He's there for YOU!

Look ahead 10 years, 20 years, 30 years. Let's ask of each of ourselves, what attitude will our children learn from? Godly leadership or negativity? If you are a Grandparent, Family member, friend or co-worker, we also encourage you to be a positive role model by speaking peacemaking and no 'stinkin' thinkin'.

What will our children say of us....years from now.   Not 'during' the trials of this season of life, but instead after they have surveyed a little of life, marriage, parenting, joys and trials themselves.  THEN... will the true test of your blended family 'bonding' efforts be seen for the truth.  

Scripture shares in HEBREWS 12 : 14-15 ...

'...make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.'

If you are on the receiving end of negativity or some form of alienation or harsh words, be reminded that in Matthew Chapter 5, in the Beatitudes Christ shared 'blessed are the persecuted'. Some may say, 'you don't know'. We do. We've been there. Many have. It is a sad part of a broken culture we are working to reach out to and point upward. We can make a choice to trust God and let Him carry us all forward, or be stuck in the quagmire or the challenge of the week. Pray for the person coming against you. Pray for the children. Watch what God can do.

In a recent BLENDED FAMILY TODAY radio program, we focused on the concept of the "BITTER ROOT". We'd encourage you to listen to that podcast. You'll be blessed. If you are out there and struggling with a relationship, ask God for assistance. Ask Him to be IN YOUR HEART, not just conveniently AROUND when you need Him. Especially this springtime season, find your way out of the trap of being Bitter and Broken...and into God's way to get to BETTER AND BONDED.

Also...to read Zig Ziglar and Julie Ziglar Norman's outstanding new release "EMBRACE THE STRUGGLE", which is an inspirational read for blended families or anyone facing any kind of challenge... click here: http://ziglarmovies.com/embracethestruggle We're honored to say that the picture on the right we took and is in the brief video you see.

And please don't forget to visit our website at: www.THEBONDEDFAMILY.com

SEE and MEET JULIE ZIGLAR NORMAN live in Wichita at our BLENDED FAMILY CONFERENCE on Saturday May 1st.   Click here for more information.  

Remember...GOD CAN...
...take your stepfamily from Broken to Blended to Bonded.

So Keep Looking UP!

BLENDED FAMILY ENCOURAGEMENT - "THE 511"

"THE 511"
Encouragement for Step-Families....
from a Terrific Coaching Manual

Last weekend we hosted another Blended Family Conference. We sometimes refer to them as 'B3 Conferences'.  We want step-families TO SEE that GOD IS ABLE to take them 'from Broken to Blended to Bonded!'.   Incredible couples in attendance.  Gifted speakers that truly spoke to the hearts of those there.  

It was Saturday morning early and I was reviewing in my mind my afternoon message.  Was pondering... "how do I truly encourage and lift up these marriages and families?".   Then I know the Lord 'plopped' into my heart, mind and soul (God has an awesome "Plopper" - the Holy Spirit), to look up a verse that 'plopped' to me about 'encouraging one another'.  

So I get to the conference center - in this case the wonderful and supportive First Baptist Raytown, who provided tremendous support and assistance - and I grabbed my Bible.  I knew that in the back of my Bible, in the blank pages, where I write down great scripture to remember, I had an 'encouragement' scripture. 

What a 'terrific life coaching manual' the Bible is.

There it was 1st Thessalonians 5:11...

'Therefore encourage one another
and build each other up...'

Then it hit me.  1st Thessalonians 5:11. Shortened up... "THE 511".  "THE 511"!    We all know call 911 in an emergency, call 411 for information, some places 811 is for digging info, 311 in New York offers NY services and info.  Some states do have 511 as road, roadside support or travel information.  Well, that's pretty good for an analogy for the 'blended family journey' huh?   We are on a journey.  And our "511' can assist you on that blended family road to success, and simply stated... "THE 511" is...  

Encourage one another.  Build each other up.   Don't our children truly need that?  How about your spouses?  It's been studied that for every one negative thing you say to a child, in most kids it takes ten positive affirmations or comments to strengthen back their spirits.  Goes for spouse too. 10 to 1 ratio.

Often times we focus on the negative in our families.  See the good.  Plant 'seeds' that will grow goodness.

How about if you are a Grandparent or a relative in a step-family situation?  Wouldn't it be powerful if you ENCOURAGED your son, daughter, sister, brother, niece, nephew, grandchild.  Due to the often challenging dynamics of blended family life, a word to BUILD UP the spirit of another would be a GIANT GIFT.

We work with Grandparents a lot, give them discounts to attend our conferences. www.thebondedfamily.com/grandparents

Our Daughter Amanda, while hearing Dad pontificate on 'THE 511" drew the below sketch as she set with us last Sunday in our Blended Family Fellowship at church.  We continue to be amazed at her 'eyes that see'.   Her sketch below shares a cell phone on the left with the numbers 511 on it...and the words'... 'we are on a difficult road.  We need to call the 511'.

I'd like to encourage you to read the entire Chapter Five of 1st Thessalonians.  Only nineteen short verses.  You'll find words that truly should be compelling for blended families.  Words and phrases like 'self control' (wise counsel in the heat of a moment), 'be patient', 'be kind to each other', don't pay back wrong doing with wrong doing', 'God did not appoint us to suffer', 'Be joyful always', 'pray continually' and here is one to think about and take to heart...'give thanks in all circumstances'.    Learn from the good and learn from the bad.

As part of your 'journey', we encourage you to continually reach out for resources like The Bonded Family and others.  As Americans we strive to get better in work, in sports, in health, in many areas... SO... PAY ATTENTION HERE!  Do it with your blended family life.  It's the most important.

Encourage yourself to read, listen and learn about how to be the very best you can be and to create in your new family a spirit of T.E.N. - TOGETHERNESS, ENCOURAGEMENT and NURTURING.    I'm not saying you'll be a 'Perfect 10 Family', yet if you simply strive to do those three... you're on your way!

Keep Looking UP!  

DAN

 P.S.   If you know someone in the Wichita KS area in a blended family, and facing stepfamily challenges, send them to www.thebondedfamily.com to check out our Saturday May 1st Blended Family Conference, featuring Zig Ziglar's daughter Julie Ziglar Norman and her husband Jim, nationally recognized comedian J.J. Jasper, Russ and Jackie Jones, the Founders and Publishers of the Christian Press, Al and Kay Betz of Outfluence.com.   Rebecca and I are excited to be joined by these talented and gifted speakers.  Again for more information as to the topics and to register go to:  www.thebondedfamily.com and click on the Wichita conference.