SUPER SUNDAY & BLENDED FAMILIES

SUPER SUNDAY!  Ravens-49'ers?  

As With This Super Bowl,
You Can Be Sure That...
The Clock's Still Running
On Your Blended Family
... BIGGEST VICTORIES!

Sometimes in the dynamics of stepfamily life, we often feel like an 'underdog' role in our families.  Parents or children are often in an 'arena of life' that presents itself with bumps and challenges. We wish there were referee's sometimes.  Somebody to 'blow the whistle' or 'throw a penalty flag'.  This blog entry is about how to find our way to victory..... in the Super Bowl of life.  Even if you feel ONE YARD SHORT...remember... GOD'S NOT DONE!  CLOCK IS STILL TICKING.

Speaking of Super Bowl participants, I want to share a fantastic book and it's relationship to step-family life. In the last few years it has been my privilege and honor to get to know Coach Les Steckel, who is the President / CEO of FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes). In 2006 he authored his autobiography entitled 'ONE YARD SHORT, Turning Your Defeats into Victories'. It is a 'must read book' for blended family parents. The title is derived from the final play of the 2000 Super Bowl between the St. Louis Rams and Steckel’s Titans, a play that has been called the most exciting play in Super Bowl history. (I remember our family - half cheering the Rams, half cheering the Titans - as our blended family of eight watched that incredible sports moment.)

Steckel’s book chronicles his life journey and his compelling stories and testimony makes it tough to put down once you start. I am in the middle of reading the book currently. It is a 'MEGA-ENCOURAGEMENT BLESSING' book that offers us yet another testimony to trusting in God and His incredible Hand. Anyone in a blended family, adult or teen should read this book. It isn't just a sports book, a guy book, it's a life book. Moms, Grandmas and Daughters will love it also.

HOW DOES "ONE YARD SHORT" RELATE TO BLENDED FAMILY LIFE? Often in the dynamics of stepfamily life one feels like you are often behind, things look tough, it is 'fourth down', that you want to 'punt' and hope seems lost. That's when we really do need to 'put on our headset and call upstairs to get the next play to call'.  What I mean by that is to 'look to God for your next move, how to handle a child or marriage scenario'. He will answer. He may not always give us the 'play' we want to call, but the PLAYBOOK (BIBLE) we are called to draw from does not offer mistaken advice. Check out the playbook of life (the Bible).

Find a Bible that holds in the back a "Concordance" or 'topics list'. There you can find answers to blended family common questions in areas like... patience, perseverance, hope, forgiveness, self-discipline, encouragement and most of all the promise you can trust of 'peace that surpasses all understanding.'

YES YOU CAN be a Super Bowl Champion-like Blended Family if you let our Lord God Almighty lead you in calling the signals in your family. Check out your playbook (Bible) today.

For more information on Coach Les Steckel and FCA, go to:
http://www.fca.org/AboutFCA/ExecutiveTeam.lsp

BLENDED FAMILY DEMOGRAPHIC TOPS SUPER BOWL VIEWERS.
A ‘SUPER TO UBER’ SIZE COMPARISON RANKS STEPFAMILIES ON TOP.

More TV’s were tuned into the 2012 Super Bowl then ever before.  According to the Nielsen ratings system, Super Bowl XLVI viewership of 111.3 million viewers broke all records to become the most-watched TV telecast of all time.

  
We are a nation of football fans. We are also a nation of changing family dynamics and structure. Blended Families, often called ‘Stepfamilies’, has become the largest family demographic in the USA. 

  
In America today there are over 23+ million stepfamily households.  It is the largest ‘under the radar’ demographic in the USA, and one that grows daily with over by approximately 2000 new stepfamilies formed per day.  While the Super Bowl viewership can list 111.3 million viewers, the population of people living - or directly associated to in their immediate family - in stepfamilies is over 160+ million.  One could say it is a ‘Super vs. Uber’ size comparison.  If you are reading this and you are a part of (husband, wife, child, grandparent, etc) blended family nation and this ‘uber’ population, you are not alone. 

YOU and YOUR FAMILY are not alone.  There are people and organizations that exist to serve and help you.

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BLENDED FAMILIES & BASKETBALL

NBA BASKETBALL FEVER is Heating Up! 
What Do Referees and Blended Families Have in Common?
How Calling Fouls (On Your Stepchildren) Changes The Game.
Blended Family Life and Sports have similar scenarios.

I was a basketball referee for 10 years.  Was accepted into the NBA Referee Development Program in the early 80's. Great season of my life.  Then I went into a 'Public Service' season (politics is the ugly side of Public SERVICE) for 10 years.  Seems I always picked avocations where you get yelled at. Referee.  Elected Official.  Sooner or later.  You get booed.  Could be some form of a character quirk there huh?  Heh, heh. 

On the basketball court a ref is half right or half wrong depending who someones cheering for. You'll be told 'great ref' to 'get some glasses you bum'. In politics you can go from 90% 'great guy popular' to 90% 'throw the bum out' with one vote on an issue. From Hero to Zero in a day I called it.

That tenuous balancing act in refereeing and politics holds some similarities to our modern day world of stepfamily life and it's dynamics.  Often there are 'commentators' or 'broadcasters' who want to prognosticate about you as a parent, spouse or member in a family unit.  Some are just drooling and waiting for you to slip up so they can air the famous 'I told you so!'.  Sometimes family members are quick to point fingers instead of slow to speak, quick to understand and extend grace.  We've become the 'arm chair quarterbacks' of family life in society.  We say 'We can do better America.  Let's look for the good in every person!'

In traditional nuclear families a parent can 'make the call/call a foul' on a something a child did wrong or inappropriately, yet the child has full knowledge that the parent loves them unconditionally.  With stepchildren, sometimes a parent can 'make the call/call the foul' and a child feels less secure in the circumstances. That even the 'home crowd' is against them.  That they have no 'home court advantage'.  Great blended families work together, support each other, work together unselfishly to create a great home turf, the home court advantage. (Zig Ziglar speaks on this)

To some stepchildren, especially early on in a new family situation, every 'foul' called seems like they are being called for a 'Technical Foul'.  Throw out of the game. (relationship or love) As parents, we can work together to set household rules upfront and out front.  To make sure that we as husband and wife also upfront know WHO is to make the call and when.  To be slow to let the play unfold.  Don't rush to 'blow the whistle' on every call or behavior.  Work to let God guide you and say 'Be still and know that I am God'. (Psalm 46:10) Call the game with a clear understanding that it's a 'long season' and you don't want to crush a player (child) with a poor judgment call.  Make sure you create - again as our good friend Zig Ziglar says - the 'Home Court Advantage'.  That your family knows you love them and are here for them no matter what.  That we learn from mistakes, we are growing and bonding one day at a time.  Trials will exist, but remind them always 'this too shall pass'.   Encourage 10 times for every 1 discipline. 

One thing we learned in the NBA Referee Development Program was to 'see' the whole court.  Not just one action.  To scan what is going on.  Many refs focus just on the basketball and lose track of the other 'stuff' going on on the court.  How can you relate to that as parents in your 'home court'.

Parents...be aware of your 'home court'. Be keenly aware of body language, countenances, friendships, activities, Facebook, cell phones, etc.  While we should allow for reasonable freedom for our children, there is an overboard and damaging myth and trend that promotes 'let a teen make their own decisions'.  We've seen this in some families and 'freedom' actually 'slows maturity' in kids in teens or early 20's.  They are impacted by a lack of foundational guidance to do the right thing, and this can create an 'all about me' selfishness that is clearly too evident in society in general as a whole. 

Children deep inside want boundaries from parents.  They want leadership.  Unconditional love.  Research clearly shows the safe and solid boundaries, coupled with solid encouragement and support create healthier children.  We like to share to 'Encourage 10 times to every 1 discipline.'  You'll create a champion child who understand love, respect, authority and honor...all while knowing they are able to both stumble and do great things and you will be with them just the same in all circumstances.

Be cautious not to let divorce / two homes for a child create a 'never call a foul' environment in order to 'win' love.   That's not good either.  Parents in both homes, remember, you are not in competition for the children.  It's okay for children to love both homes.  Kids are not 'wired' to have to choose.  They want to feel safe to love.  It is generally the parents who create a 'they must be bad, so I am good' sad scenario.  Most everybody is good.  Nobody is perfect.  Look for the GOOD in all people.

My great friend Jesse Hall holds a double special place in my heart.   He was one of three people who talked to me the most about the Lord and thus brought me to Him.  Jesse also got me into the NBA Referee Development Program.  One is eternal. Both are thrilling.  Jesse still is in the NBA record books as being the referee in the highest scoring game in NBA history.  In triple overtime it was Detroit Pistons 186, Denver Nuggets 184, on Dec 13th, 1983.  I tease Jesse that he took the old adage 'let 'em just play ball' a little too far.  He is a great friend and super speaker should you ever need some great sports or life stories from an incredible guy.  Jesse can 'bring the wood' as they say in some churches.

Jesse would tell you, as I would that we do have a life 'rule book'.  The Bible.  It's the 'All Time - All Timer Best Seller ever!  It's an awesome marriage manual, parenting book, how to live life guide. The rules were followed to create laws in this country.  The Supreme Court has the Ten Commandments standing on it's building.   Many have tried to prove it wrong and failed.  Some have sought to prove it wrong and now are great preachers and teachers.

Now, there are many other great resources out there to help blended families, parents and marriages.  We own them and learn some things from them also.  Many can be found on our website.  But follow the SUCCESS and CHAMPION LIKE FAMILIES in our nation and you will see a solid foundation in faith and togetherness wins more often.   That scoreboard speaks for itself.

We talk about practical tips, parenting skills, real life examples, experiences and everyday stepfamily dynamics in our conferences, but this we know and stand upon.... GOD CAN take your stepfamily... from Broken to Blended to Bonded.  

We are available for speaking, conferences and resources at THE BONDED FAMILY.

Follow us on TWITTER:  Twitter.com/blendedfamilies
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Blended Family Duct Tape Rule 2012

Facing a Stepfamily 'Harsh Word' Moment?

Think TBF 'DUCT TAPE RULE' Now

If you are a member of a stepfamily you know the moment.  Something has wounded you.  Somebody as done or said something inconsiderate, probably hurtful and often done in a flash moment that one wishes they could 'take back'.

So let's together all go buy a roll of 'DUCT TAPE'.  Keep it handy as a image to improve we'll explain below.  So we can implement - both for fun and serious improvement for our families - the "DUCT TAPE RULE".   The uses of duct tape have been chronicled, joked about, tested on TV and basically touted as the 'official fixer' of anything.  Well, perhaps we can add yet another line to duct tape legend.  Heard any words like these?

"Your children are not disciplined!"

"I quit.  I can't handle this marriage this way."

"You favor your kids over mine."

"Your not my Dad!"
"This stepfamily stuff stinks!"

Whether age5 or 95, we've heard of sharp tongue moment stories and outbursts like above and more.  Have any of these ever maybe been you? If so, you're not alone.  Over 23+ million stepfamily households in the USA.  So, given the normal human beings we are... probably about 5 million people today said something that should have fallen under the 'DUCT TAPE RULE'. 

The BLENDED FAMILY DUCT TAPE RULE.

STEPFAMILY Sharped
Tongue Member



I can laugh and say that if I were to recognize all my former slip ups I might look like the DUCT TAPE GUY on the right.

Scripture shares it so well in James 3:5 describing the power of our spoken word (tongue)... 'the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts.   Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.'
American's spend way too little time listening, sharing or communicating with our children.  Then At The Bonded Family we suggest at least 7 minutes a day. It goes fast! Make sure your sitting or standing or kneeling (if they are youngsters) and together you are at their eye level.  Eyeball to eyeball...NOT giant parent to little kid downward communication arrangement.  You'll grow closer at eye level.

Let there be no mistake...our tongue can spark a hurt, a fight or a longstanding squabble.  The more we work to have self-control, the better our family will be.  And in stepfamily dynamics, it IS IMPORTANT to take EXTRA CARE of your tongue and emotions. Every moment or situation, despite seeming big at that instant is not always... 'a hill to take the last dying stand for'.

It truly can be very hard to be still 'in the moment', yet as a potential 'TBF Family Huddle' discussion item, talk about how words can wound.  How things we say in a moment of hurt impact others.  Discuss the Golden Rule when it comes to communicating with one another in our family words. Also even  how our looks at each other. Ask kids to describe 'Mom or Dad' 'I am not happy look'.  That'll bring some laughs.   If your family is a 'word picture', 'symbolic' or 'example' type family, pull out a roll or two of DUCT TAPE and say 'Let's try the 'BLENDED FAMILY DUCT TAPE RULE' from here on out.  "Who is willing to start watching their words better?" 

Get your new family to agree that if you are about to say something...or maybe just said something harsh...go grab the duct tape roll in a way to express that you 'understand' what you said was hurtful and you wish you had duct tape ever your mouth that moment. (**IMPORTANT for 'literal' readers we are NOT recommending duct taping anyone's mouth...it's a WORD PICTURE. Smiling for you.)   

Often times, the recognize a situation can teach and coach maturity in relationships for our children.  After all, we are to 'raise them up in the way they should go.'  Mentoring and Coaching our children to 'hold their tongue' when about to be harsh will SERVE THEIR FUTURES WELL.


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TRY THIS!  PRINT OFF ANY OF THE ABOVE DUCT TAPE PICTURES. PUT IT ON YOUR REFRIGERATOR OR BULLETIN BOARD AS A FUN REMINDER TO YOUR BLENDED FAMILY....LET'S BOND AND USE KIND WORDS.

BLENDED FAMILY TODAY - Free Podcasts

Stepfamily Radio on your iPad, iPhone, Android or PC

Get Smart Blended Families on Smart Phones.

 

http://blendedfamilies.podomatic.com

Sometimes we forget to share all of the stepfamily encouraging resources we offer.

This is a quick reminder that you can get FREE PODCASTS on your iPhone, iPad, iPod, Android, Galaxy or other smart device.  Listen, Laugh, Learn.  You always will come away with at least one "Yes, that's me" or a "Good idea!" or a "God is Good!" or some other heartfelt thought.

Click on the images now to go to your free stepfamily resource.

Or FREE PODCASTS, CLICK HERE

 

Please share this blog.

 

Blended Family Today was started in 2009 and was the 'first of it's kind' radio program on traditional radio, based in Kansas City, yet broadcast globally that was directed 100% to stepfamily dynamics.

 

Dan and Rebecca interview nationally recognized figures such as:

• Pat Williams, Sr. VP of the Orlando Magic & Author of over 70 books 
• Zig Ziglar Family (Tom Ziglar, Julie Ziglar Norman & husband Jim) 
• J.J. Jasper, AFR Radio's DJ / nationally recognized Comedian
• Dr. Dan Erickson, Author of 'God Loves Do-Overs'
• Dr. Ken Canfield, Author, Speaker, 2006 KS Gubernatorial Candidate
• Jill Brooke, former CNN on-air personality / noted author & blogger
• Robert Sherwood, fmr Silicon Valley exec & Entrepreneur of the Year
• Dr. Randy Shepard, College Funding Expert
• Al and Kay Betz, Founders of OUTFLUENCE
• Carey Casey, CEO of the National Center for Fathering
• Dr. Bob Reccord, Pastor, Author and nationally recognized speaker
• Patricia Plum, Forgiveness Expert
• Bill Nicks (aka James Naismith, Pres. Dwight Eisenhower & more)
• Henri Boucard, Career Planning Expert
• ++ many more you'll enjoy, & learn from for your marriage & family

Also...enjoy DAILY TIPS via TWITTER direct to your cell phone or digital device.
Click on the iPod image below to FOLLOW US and get DAILY TIPS.

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Blended Families ... Embracing the Word YET!

A POWER BONDING WORD
for your Blended Family.

Our daughter Amanda started high school this year.  Something TREMENDOUS happened as we attended 'Meet the Teacher' Night.  Rebecca and I joyfully discovered every one of her teachers absolutely loves their job.  You could see it in their face, their speech, their plans, their hopes for our daughter...they LOVED their jobs.  You can tell alot about an educator when they love their job.  They'll find the way to inspire our children to learn and grow and prosper in life...not just get through the daily work.  We see WINNERS at Ray-Pec high school.  From the Bus Driver to the Band Teacher... all posessed the great attitudes that make learning fun and lasting!

So here is our SHOUT OUT and APPLAUSE for Raymore-Peculiar High School and the teachers we met.   Great Work and Thank You!

As we walked into the Advanced Geometry classroom, we enjoyed hearing an upbeat 'we are discovering learning together' message from Mrs. Gina Prowell.  My often ADD giant right brain bounced around the room (my friends are smiling and thinking "Squirrel!" from the movie UP! right now) scanned the setting and saw multiple locations of signage with the word "YET!".   Simply the word 'YET!' on a wall, a filing cabinet, above the chalkboard (oops, I guess it's 'whiteboard' now days), right near her desk and other places.

So when it was time for the famous 'are their any questions', your daydreaming friend Dan asked 'What do all those YET!'s mean?'  You should have seen the looks on the other parents.  WHAT is this dummy talking about??? Of course our daughter smiled and knew Dad had been scanning the room.

Mrs. Prowell seemed to like the question and here's where the POWER WORD was described by her.  When a student stumbles with an answer or a problem or comes to her and says 'I don't get this', she is sure to smile at them and get them to add to the end of the phrase the 'power word' YET!

As always...you may now be thinking...
'Dan, how's this relate to stepfamilies?'

OK...I'll share that. 
I'm confident by now you know where you can lead your marriage and family.  Add YET! to these very common quotes and SEE THE DIFFERENCE:


He doesn't love my children like he loves his own......YET!
My 'ex' is not honoring the parenting plan...YET!
My stepdaughter doesn't want to have anything to do with me....YET!
We're lost in this stepfamily life, we don't know how to navigate...YET!
My adult children aren't accepting my spouse in their life.....YET!
We don't seem to agree at all over discipline for the children...YET!
I just can't handle this hectic schedule with two families ...YET!
My parents are accepting my new wife as a part of the family...YET
Our finances are hurting so bad and we don't have the answer...YET!
Our two teenagers are accepting and bonding together...YET!
We don't know where to turn for answers...YET! 

The list of phrases could go on.  So YOU FILL IN YOUR QUESTION and simply add YET! to your challenge.  Like Geometry teacher Gina Prowell, stay positive, believe you can overcome doubt, fear and discouragement.  At TBF we challenge you to make sure you are a YET! family!  Smile at your spouse and remind them.  When you children complain or discuss what's 'not working' teach them this powerful 'keeper for life' word and attitude.

Scripture has some ENCOURAGEMENT in this area.
Romans Chapter 5 very early on reminds us...

'...by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.'

Blended Family Life, especially working towards being a BONDED FAMILY does take perseverance and hope.   YES YOU CAN get through all things.  Say YET! and keep asking God for the strength you need to find victory.

For your WEEKLY BLENDED FAMILY COACHING AND TIPS... check out our BONDCAST and Weekly Tips available to you.  We'll take you through some YET! questions each week.

Follow us for Daily Tips on TWITTER.

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Dan Snell

Feel Free to Copy and Paste this YET! below and put it on your REFRIGERATOR.
REFRIGERATOR ART for the blended family ages.

 

Blog @Copyright The Bonded Family 2011

BLACK CATS and BLENDED FAMILIES

BLACK CATS and BLENDED FAMILIES.
Neither Myth is True...So Live Victoriously!

We are a blended family. 
We own a black cat also. 

Our culture has developed the attitude that blended families don't work... and somehow think that black cats are unlucky. Both these premises are man created MYTHS.  
God didn't create black cats, nor stepfamilies, to be bad, evil or full of potential woesome results. Man's imagination + "stinkin' thinkin'" did.

This morning our 17 year old black cat Crash (would take a whole blog to explain why that name) was walking back and forth in front of our youngest daughter Amanda. She laughed and said 'Wow, Crash has walked back and forth in front of me 5 times so I'll have 35 years bad luck'.  We all laughed.  Crashed looked at us - he holds a very communicative personality - and barked 'meow'.  Crash does seem to bark when he knows he's being talked about.  I was one of those 'don't like cats' guys until this feline was adopted away from homelessness. Crash is my buddy.  I admit it.  Cat-lovers cheer here.

So what does the black cat myth and blended families have in common?  Cats are very consistent in their behavior.  Depending on their 'personality' that can appear to be 'aloof', or maybe 'playful', 'standoff-ish' or sometimes 'mean-spirited'.  Cats actually can be very loyal buddies if you treat them right and 'invest' a little time bonding with them.   

Often personalities and relationship dynamics within blended families can be the same.  Each child is unique, somewhat different in their own special way. Thus relationships should be developed and nurtured differently.  Some will come quicker, some may take years.  Perseverance is a foundational word you hear a lot from our team at The Bonded Family.  Perseverance comes from trusting God. Seeing what happens when you 'let go and let God'. Remember this saying when you feel exasperated or there is no hope.  "God's not done".

It's also a real 'myth' that stepparents and stepchildren can't get along. Just like spending time with a kitten will help one 'bond' with the cat, we recommend that you 'invest time' to discover what talents and treasure each child holds. What are their dreams, hopes and wishes?  Don't simply buy into the negative stepfamily myths.  The more you understand your unique or complex family situation - and that is one of the goals at The Bonded Family - the more success you will have. Understanding behavior is key.  It's why people share with us after our conferences "I wish we knew THEN what we've learned from you NOW".

Putting a stake in the ground and committing your marriage and family into God's hands is the absolute success criteria foundation.  Without it...you are built on sandy soil.  Some will 'turn away' right now reading this saying 'Oh that God stuff', yet the fact are the facts, the true stats are there.  Write us and ask about them.  info@thebondedfamily.com


Our children hear often that rock solid advice for VICTORY in life...

"ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING"

Scripture also holds a verse that speaks to VICTORIOUS LIVING. 
PROVERBS 15:15 shares...

'All the days of the afflicted are bad,
But a cheerful heart has a continual feast.'

Work on your heart.  Discipline your mind.  See the good in all people.  Look for the good in all situations.  Discover the good where you can't see it at first.  Guard against feeling 'afflicted' or you 'days will be bad'.   INSTEAD... say to yourself and ask God to strengthen you and give you a CHEERFUL HEART so that your days and life - and your blended family - will feel as a 'CONTINUAL FEAST'

Sometimes that takes coaching.  We can help. 
Visit our BLENDED FAMILY COACHING page.

Follow us on TWITTER.   Daily Tips to Encourage.

Friend us on FACEBOOK.   Stay up-to-date on what we're doing.

Keep Your Blended Family Antenna Up!

PICTURE THIS!...

Your Blended Family
Rabbit Ears
Picking Up Stepfamily
Signals Around You.

Recently I was with my good friend Dr. Randy Shepard at a coffee place called GUSTO! in Lee's Summit.  We were discussing technology and college funding, two of his many areas of expertise.  In the shop was David Davies, another great friend of our ministry and a 'Bonafide Encourager' in every sense of the word.  He was across the room 'encouraging' (of course) a young man in some way.   I approached to say hello. 

After meeting his friend, the young man shared 'I've heard you speak. You shared at our early morning breakfast meeting last year' and then he, unbeknowst to him, inspired me.  He said 'You know, since you shared about the number of people facing struggles in stepfamilies in America, all of a sudden I now have my antenna up, and have found many people around me, that I pointed to your ministry'.

This is indeed what we are seeing as we put forth our message of encouragement, hope, practical tips and inspiration.  The more people know about the 'under the radar' demographic, the more they are 'willing to reach out'.  That is powerful. 

So here is our 'REACH OUT CHALLENGE' to YOU.
Picture walking around with these 'rabbit ears' on your head.

BLENDED FAMILY

RABBIT EARS ANTENNA

For generations rabbit ear antenna has been used to 'tune in' to a TV or radio signal.  I propose that you be a 'difference maker' in somebodies life.  Begin today to start 'tuning in' to the potential stepfamily frequency signal.  You may find signals and families all around you. See with over 23+ stepfamily there is absolutely the statistical probability that within your family, workplace, church or circle of friends that you know multiple cases of blended families.  Perhaps you'll notice a larger family that may not all resemble one another.  some match Dad, some more to Mom.  Or you may be witness to a conversation that is talking about a stepdad or stepmom.  Maybe even see or experience a drop off or exchange of children.  With your 'antenna up', you now are able to be a positive force in their life if you witness any challenges.  Yuo can say 'did you know there are organizations out there that can help?' Often times you may not know they may be struggling because they are having unique to their family stepfamily dynamic issues and don't want people to know.  YOU can now be a helper and a HERO!

YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!  
Send them to check out our resources at THE BONDED FAMILY.

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Blended Families, Rough Water and a Guide

 Blended Families... Can Face Rapids and Rough Waters

Listen to the 'GUIDE' as to how to maneuver the rocks.

We've had some tremendous vacations as a Family.  We wrote recently of 'vacating' and it's 'bonding power', because you are 'away, alone and accepting'.  I can't stress the power of 'vacation' as a means to discovering each other and finding blessings and bonds in that time.

One 'Christmas vacation' was a small cabin, at a closed for the winter YMCA camp, just us, that left us with some great memories of 'owning' the Grand Lodge Hall, which we used to produce fun that was captured in video and will echo for decades. 

A 'Tradition' of stopping at Metropolis, IL and getting a picture with Superman lives on even today.  Great joy in youth, 'oh Dad' in teen years.

                    Our memory of visiting Washington DC for the 4th of July fireworks.  Remembering checking in through super tight post 9/11 security, sitting three hours in the intermittent rain on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.  Then to see the skies clear, and the DC Mall ablaze in a patriotic spectacular.  Voted all time best fireworks display by the family. 

'WHITEWATER' COLORADO

WHITEWATER RIVER RAFTING was voted the 'all time, all timer' great family vacation time.  So by now you want to know what that has to do with YOU, and not just our family times??

In stepfamily dynamics you can be assured that there will be some 'rough waters', some turbulence, some 'hold on to your seat' places. Often just simply due to the  'unknown' of what sometimes lies ahead on your family journey.  Stepfamilies often feel like the 'waters are moving fast', that they are 'swept under', that the 'rocks' are seemingly going to 'sink their ship' or the 'marriage or stepfamily raft of life'.   Of this you can be assured.  Those rocks will be ahead.  The waters will swirl and splash.  The whitewater may try to 'throw you off the boat'.  In fact there are usually forces at work 'hoping' you'll be crushed, toppled or even die as a family unit.  Sometime former relationships and wounds will 'reach in' to your family.  Foremost remember that satan is real.  He wants marriages, children, families...all life to be miserable. It's a fact.

God gave YOU and I a message of ENCOURAGEMENT AND HOPE 'for such a time as this'.  In our weak moments, our 'I can't do this' moments, our 'I am going down' moments... read this, repeat this promise of God.  Yes...it is GOD'S PROMISE, not mine, Dr. Phil's, Oprah's or anyone elses...it's God personal commitment and PROMISE to YOU!

Isaiah 43 : 2 shares in Scripture (NIV):

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
   I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
   they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flames will not set you ablaze.

The MESSAGE, another Bible version shares it this way...

"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you, I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
   When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place,
   it won't be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God..."

You see, God offers to be your GUIDE in life.  He knows best how to 'steer' through the rough waters, the rocks and the challenges.  In the picture above our 'GUIDE' is the only person visible.  Our family is 'below the water' so to speak, yet the 'guide' knows exactly how to lead us out of the rough waters.  I put my family's 'trust' in her hands.  People in general seem to only turn to God, to put their trust in Him, during times of catastrophe, serious illness or near death situation.  At The Bonded Family, we suggest turning to Him every day.  Giving thanks when the water is smooth and from where He's taken us already, asking Him to be with us in the journey ahead.  Not just in a crisis.   THE MESSAGE OF THIS BLOG.... LET GOD BE YOUR GUIDE IN YOUR BLENDED FAMILY.  Our research, data, experiences with thousands and success statistics prove it true.  If you think you know a 'smarter' way... perhaps you should check out this page on our website.  http://www.thebondedfamily.com/lifeinstructionmanual

Be sure and visit our website, THE BONDED FAMILY for events, resources and our new WEEKLY VIDEO BONDCAST COACHING.  Best resource for blended families available today for weekly LIVE Question and Answer sessions and topical discussions.  Plus get video mail with TIP OF THE WEEK.
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Copyright, The Bonded Family 2011

BLENDED FAMILY ALERT! "VACATING" = a Key to BONDING plus "Q20 is the BONDING MACHINE"

"VACATING" Stepfamilies will Bond Better

Plus...Buy Q20 Here for your 'Vacating'

We can't encourage you too much to intentionally and with special planning create your new blended family vacation times.  They are giant opportunities to 'get away' and 'bond'.  No external pulls, ties, conflicts, other home influences, etc.  It is one on one time as a group.  It works! Plan it!  Do it!  We did a radio program on 'VACATING' on our radio program BLENDED FAMILY TODAY.  Enjoy AFR DJ and Comedian J.J. Jasper on that one too.  Visit the VACATING and Family Fun broadcast by clicking here.

So many of you would agree that Estes Park Colorado is an incredible place to enjoy as a family.  That was our first vacation as a blended family and it started the great tradition of road games.  We did the contest of spotting various states license plates, who could spot the first water tower, first church steeple, first McDonalds (then we had to stop for a malt) or doing the alphabet via letters on licenses or other games.
 

One of our favorite games was 'The Whine Counter Game'.  Mom / "Rebecky" would keep a list of who moaned or complained or whined the most.  Everyone would of course 'assist' her in pointing out a brother or sisters moan about something.  The 'top whiner' would have to do the dishes or other chores at the mountain cabin.  Funny how the whining dropped off the day we played that game.   Anyway, as you plan and enjoy your family 'vacating', be sure and find some great games to play while driving and create some 'bonding' memories.  Our kids remember and actually seemed to LIKE the LONG TRIPS.  God is good.

One year we bought some mini-electronic games for the road.  The BEST ONE and the ALL-TIME, ALL-TIMER FUN BONDING MACHINE is the 20 Questions little round device called the Q20.  It is amazing.  You think of 'something', it's asks you  20 questions...and then 'get's it right!'  You have to have one.  So that's all I got to say.  Spend $15 and get a MILLION dollars worth of family joy.   "VACATING" with Q20 is a bonder.  Buy your Q20 below.

REMEMBER... to grow a BOND in your Blended Family...be sure to enjoy 'VACATING' together!

Visit THE BONDED FAMILY website at: http://www.thebondedfamily.com

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God is Sad for a Blended Family when...

'God is Sad When...'
When We Act Broken In Our Ways...
A "NO Stinkin' Thinkin'" Blended Family Thought

In our regular weekly Blended Family Fellowship on Sunday mornings here in Kansas City we have some tremendous and very cool people.  Rebecca and I often say 'we get more back and learn more from others when we teach than we give'.

Ron and Laurie Grant

Ron and Laurie Grant are an awesome couple.  Truly a blended family couple that walks and lives out the Bible verse Romans 8:37 'we are overcomers / we are more than conquerors with Christ' (paraphrasing).

They have great joy and love.  Also, like most, they have faced trials.  They are shining examples of trusting God, perseverance and knowing that 'God is not done' in any situation.  A couple to be emulated.

Recently as we were talking about behavior and situations that arise in stepfamily dynamics Laurie said 'You know I bet God is sad when that happens.'   I thought to myself... 'Self...that is profound and people should think about that in their blended family interactions...or for that matter...anywhere'.  I asked them for permission to borrow and 'expound' upon their wisdom with what came to my heart when she said that.

God is the almighty powerful force in the universe.  The Bible shares where He has got mad, brought about consequences, plagues, storms, fire, wind, you name it.  Jesus even got mad at His disciples when they fell asleep in the garden after he asked them to pray.  Or when Jesus overturned the tables in the temple.  We've read of God's upset.  But we often don't think, and we should, 'does God get sad?'.   'Do we hurt our loving Heavenly Father?'  I think the answer is YES.

I don't want to enter into a 'theological' debate over this.  I'm not a Pastor, nor theologian.  I did seek scripture on this and welcome anyone else's thoughts.  But for those who want to point out my contextual errors... I also share wryly a quote from my friend and a wonderful man of God, Zig Ziglar, "Some people find fault like there's a reward for it."  Keep that one tucked away in your heart for future reference in your life.

Certainly as a Father, we can imagine the sadness God felt when His Son Jesus was tortured, mocked and crucified. Think on that sadness for a minute. Jesus was sad when Lazarus was dead.  The shortest verse in the Bible? John 11:35  "Jesus wept".

I am pretty sure that "God is sad when He sees...."

- a smart person like you make poor choices when knowing better
- our hurt and pain and tears over relationship struggles
- a divorce and the ripples it causes through people's lives
- children's lives impacted by parents who bicker over custody
- a husband or a wife unleash a sharp tongue to their spouse
- a misunderstood stepfamily member not fully grasping how to cope
- the hurt and pain that children feel when they miss a parent
- He sees the hurt and pain a parent feels when they miss their children
- the light in a child's eyes dim when they're blasted by a stepparent
- ache in a stepparent heart when a child shouts 'You're not my Dad!'
- a 'christian' treating a divorcee or single parent with disdain
- a couple turning away from Him for marriage solutions
- all the "Stinkin' Thinkin'" that goes on in selfish hearts
- observes me -  maybe you too - and sees my bad spirit about things

See God sees all.   He knows your joys and your sorrows.  Loves you the same when you are good or slipping in your walk with Him.

Ephesians 4: 29-32 shares it so well for blended family relationships:

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."   

God does 'grieve' when we treat one another wrongly.  He forgave us.  We are His children He wants us to model ourselves after His ways.

Rebecca and I have always shared with our six children "Do what's right...even when no one is looking."  If we coach, mentor and teach our children honor, truth and unconditional love, whatever their biological role, we are serving them in their life.  If we show grace and mercy and 'The Golden Rule' in tough situations (former spouses, treating children fairly, etc), even when it's hard, then our children and future generations of their children will be blessed.

There are a lot of cool things going on at The Bonded Family. Visit our website to see.  http://www.thebondedfamily.com 
* Zig Ziglar's Daughter Julie Ziglar to speak at TBF Luncheon May 20th
* Weekly Coaching Program that pays for future conference investment

And you can join us - you don't have to attend our church - every Sunday and "Meet Ron and Laurie" in person.  You'll love them as we all do.  For info about the Sunday Fellowship our blended family resources, write: dan@thebondedfamily.com 


Keep Looking UP!

BLENDED FAMILY Lessons from a Walmart Morning

WHOEVER THAT DAD WAS...
HE SHAPED A CHILD'S FUTURE!
Follow this guys lead in your Blended Family.

It was a recent blustery, snow-filled Saturday morning and I was off to grab some waffle mix, eggs, milk and cantelope for a 'Dad's Waffle Breakfast Morning'.  Not enough Saturday's free, so I was excited to enjoy that family tradition.  Good 'bonding' time and hey, I even like my own waffles, so while the kids slept I went to Walmart early to grab the 'stuff'.

As I thought I would be in and out, little did I know I would leave the store with much more than food for family, but bigger than that...food for life.  To share with you.

While I was in the waffle mix aisle, I could not help but overhear the joyful voice, from the next aisle over, of a youngster repeating his Father's words and mentoring.  I heard the little voice say 'I am a happy boy!' repeating his Dad. Then it was 'I can grow up to do great things!' following the coaching, then an interesting comment that really sparked my interest,  'I look for the good in people!' followed by 'God made me special!'.

By this time those of you that know me, understand already that my cart was wheeling around the corner to go meet this 'Super Dad'.  Surely I thought I would find Zig Ziglar's first cousin, Anthony Robbins himself, or maybe just some high school football coach in a cap with a whistle around his neck who knew the power of inspiring his players.  Or perhaps one of those 'hired WalMart Greeter' people who usually are fairly fired up individuals themselves.  They seem to naturally have a smiley face on and love people thanks to Sam Walton's legacy.

You see the voice I heard, but could not see, from across the top of the waffle and cereal aisle divide certainly was certainly a character shaper and a giant of a man.  I wanted to meet him and shake his hand!  Tell him I love what I heard!

So when I spun my cart down that next aisle and looked ahead I did not see any of those wondermen of motivation I spoke of, but instead a man in a torn overcoat, scraggly beard and a weary walk.   After greeting the man and telling him how powerfully he impacted me from across the aisle top, he simply said 'I want Joey to grow up with more positive voices in his little head than I did'.  God's gonna make him better than me'.  Wow!  After hugging the man and telling him God's already blessed this little guy with you, I asked little Joey 'are you happy?'.  He smiled big and blurted out 'I'm a happy boy!'

I had earlier especially been taken by the boy following the wisdom of... "I look for the good in people". Worth repeating. 'Look for the good in people'.

Especially in stepfamilies, too often a parent or child is 'looking for error' in a relationship instead of following that wonderful wisdom...'look for the good'.

Blended Families or any family.   Learn from a scraggly bearded man, who might just have been an angel so I can share this story with you.  Encourage your children.  Be a positive and Godly force that echos into their future.

Scripture shares in Proverbs Chapter 17 and Verse 22...

A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

Go tell somebody THREE THINGS that you like about them.
It will be...good medicine.  And God just may give you one more step on the journey 'from Broken to Blended to BONDED'.

Visit our website    http://www.thebondedfamily.com/

Keep Looking UP!

Blended Family Tree

NOTE: Sunday, in our weekly Blended Family Fellowship Class ...Rebecca shared wonderfully about 'tree trunks'.  Made me think about a 2008 blog worth repeating.
 
See Your Blended Family Tree Grow

After a recent snow and ice storm, I helped my Father-in-law cut down and haul away a very large branch of a giant tree that he had planted long, long ago. It was a towering willow tree planted along a small lake. It had stood the test of time over 37 years. Now one of the willows large cut up branch lay ready to become firewood for our families. As I looked at the ‘tree rings’ depicting the chronology of that tree and the large branch, a smile came over me in a big way … there is a message for Blended Families in this tree.

Each year that a tree is alive it grows another ring, making its trunk wider. The thickness of each ring depends on what the weather, the climate, lightning strikes, fire damage or the storms were like during the year in which it grew that ring. A wide ring indicates faster growth (good conditions), whereas a narrow ring or scar of some sort indicates poor growth (bad conditions). When a tree is cut, the rings can be "read" like a diary of the ‘history of life’ of that tree. Families also can have ‘tree ring’ story in their chronology diary... and by God's hand we can have good growth.

In Blended Families we too have seasons of life or our own family ‘tree rings’. Often in blended families, despite being ‘branded’ broken, there is much joy, happiness and many good seasons, and yes occasionally some will probably be not so good. That is normal. Like all of life, God gives us seasons we go through in order to see His hand in our life. He wants us to know that placing our trust in HIM offers strength through all the seasons. So that our ‘tree rings’ will show genuine growth.

We encourage you to take this to heart in your step-family. Often times in divorce, remarriage and new blended family / step-family life the ‘storms’ seem to be just a little stronger, the ‘heat’ feels a little hotter, and the ‘winds’ seem to blow more powerfully against us, testing the strength of our tree. Parental interaction, children’s behavior and emotions, financial challenges, and cooperation with former spouses can all offer ‘climate’ that sometimes seems to try to knock down or knock out a family.

We encourage blended families / step-families who we coach through difficult situations to look first for patience, perseverance and victory through trusting God. We respect the secular viewpoints that offer insight into the dynamics of step-family life, yet as we have invested years of research, reading, interviews with families, and conversations with family therapists and professionals, we continue to find the real power is in God’s Hands. The foundation of your blended family, your ‘tree ring’ and family chronology success in this sense must be fully planted in the Word of God. The greatest growth of your tree ring can be found through planting, and your family by the streams of living water.

In Psalms 1: 1-3, we are offered perfect wisdom to follow;

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,

or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers.

But his delight is in the law of the LORD,

and on his law he meditates day and night.

He is like a tree planted by streams of water,

which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither.

Whatever he does prospers.

So that your ‘blended family chronology’ will prosper, through the “storms” and “climate” challenges, you and your spouse must plant yourself as the parents ‘by the streams of living water’ and draw a line in the sand for your family by fully trust God. He is the root and the trunk, you are the branch. Then you may ‘see things with new eyes’ and ‘hear things with new ears’.We encourage blended families to look for God in all things, good and some seemingly bad, and keep your ‘roots’ firmly planted in prayer and in God’s Word daily. You can be ‘like the tree…which yields fruit in season, whose leaf does not wither. Do not walk in the counsel of negative people, or those who mock biblical wisdom. Stand strong, you will get through it. If you trust God, your tree will stand and reach up to the sky and one day you will see its fruit.

Our family tree, and our own blended family chronology, has had some thick rings with great years of growth, and some rings where you can sense the storms came. In all times, we kept the ‘roots’ planted in God’s Hands, even when the world might say we should crash. We have seen God’s goodness and His glory, and He has firmly planted in our hearts to pass along the encouragement, hope and motivation for you and your blended family.