Obama 2nd Term like Blended Family Trials?

President Obama. Benghazi.  IRS.  AP. 
Bumps in the Journey are Appearing Weekly.

The topic of this blog post is Politics and Divorce. I'm not going to lambast any President. Don't believe in that.  Blended Family life is my the tie in here, or I wouldn't write.  A 2nd term for Presidents often holds bumps just as 2nd marriages do. Stepfamily life can lead to the 'opposition' pointing out all mistakes... broadcasting faults, slip ups, blame and antagonism.  Pointing fingers.

 

Sadly, ugly partisan politics permeates America today.  Turn on your TV... it's Republican vs. Democrats.  White House vs. Congress.  Conservative vs. Liberal.  Right vs. Left.  One side 'hungry' for the other sides slips.

 

For the purpose of this blog - while I hold an opinion on American leadership - I will move to the point. The wounds of divorce hurt children, as they are often damaged by the 'politics', games, maneuvering, court and custody struggles.  In blended family life the #1 'developing family', in a stepfamily, challenge - as measured in a survey of over 1000 blended families - was 'antagonism, indoctrination (PAS) or negative influence' from former spouses.  We've seen it in almost every 'touch' we have with new blended family marriage that is struggling.  "Reaching in" we call it.  It feels like a 'giant hand of negativity' reaching into a home, trying to manipulate feelings, rules, finances, relationships, respect and authority.

 

WHY is their often an effort to hurt the other home? "Hurting People Hurt People".   Pride. Selfishness. Need to Control. Anger.  One or both sides believe they have to be the 'better' or 'main parent'.  Communicating, sharing or mutual respect does not exist in their thinking.  This type of behavior diminishes victory for children of divorce in their lives.  Yet such destructive behavior permeate divorce and new blended family relationships.  No one wins.  Most everyone loses. Children, and the long term effect on them, get hurt the worst.

 

There is a cycle of thinking for you to review in your life, relationships and marriage.  Especially when working with your former spouse.  The "stinkin' thinkin'" checkup to do is this....

"FOR ME TO BE THE GOOD PARENT... 

                 THEY MUST BE A BAD PARENT"

If you find yourself needing the other parent, their spouse (stepparent) or their home life to be bad...check your heart.  What are you finding in YOUR HEART?  Shared parenting, respect, following guidelines, communicating and honoring the other parent, their new marriage (if one) and the opportunity for their 'Family' to succeed is impacted by the other home.  Follow the Golden Rule.  How would you like to be treated?

So...for  AMERICAN POLITICS or DIVORCE or BLENDED FAMILY skirmishes... there is ONLY ONE SOLUTION.  And that is...
"FOCUS ON SOLUTIONS and NOT THE OTHER SIDES PROBLEMS". 
Got it?  Get it?  GOOD.

The Bible shares - as always - some great wisdom on negativity.

In Ephesians 4:31-32 the message is clear...

'Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor,
and evil speaking, be put away from you,
along with all malice;
And be you kind one to another, tenderhearted,
forgiving one another,
even as God has forgiven'

Check your heart.  I have to constantly check mine. 
And...Always... Keep Looking UP! God is there.

BLENDED FAMILIES & BASKETBALL

NBA BASKETBALL FEVER is Heating Up! 
What Do Referees and Blended Families Have in Common?
How Calling Fouls (On Your Stepchildren) Changes The Game.
Blended Family Life and Sports have similar scenarios.

I was a basketball referee for 10 years.  Was accepted into the NBA Referee Development Program in the early 80's. Great season of my life.  Then I went into a 'Public Service' season (politics is the ugly side of Public SERVICE) for 10 years.  Seems I always picked avocations where you get yelled at. Referee.  Elected Official.  Sooner or later.  You get booed.  Could be some form of a character quirk there huh?  Heh, heh. 

On the basketball court a ref is half right or half wrong depending who someones cheering for. You'll be told 'great ref' to 'get some glasses you bum'. In politics you can go from 90% 'great guy popular' to 90% 'throw the bum out' with one vote on an issue. From Hero to Zero in a day I called it.

That tenuous balancing act in refereeing and politics holds some similarities to our modern day world of stepfamily life and it's dynamics.  Often there are 'commentators' or 'broadcasters' who want to prognosticate about you as a parent, spouse or member in a family unit.  Some are just drooling and waiting for you to slip up so they can air the famous 'I told you so!'.  Sometimes family members are quick to point fingers instead of slow to speak, quick to understand and extend grace.  We've become the 'arm chair quarterbacks' of family life in society.  We say 'We can do better America.  Let's look for the good in every person!'

In traditional nuclear families a parent can 'make the call/call a foul' on a something a child did wrong or inappropriately, yet the child has full knowledge that the parent loves them unconditionally.  With stepchildren, sometimes a parent can 'make the call/call the foul' and a child feels less secure in the circumstances. That even the 'home crowd' is against them.  That they have no 'home court advantage'.  Great blended families work together, support each other, work together unselfishly to create a great home turf, the home court advantage. (Zig Ziglar speaks on this)

To some stepchildren, especially early on in a new family situation, every 'foul' called seems like they are being called for a 'Technical Foul'.  Throw out of the game. (relationship or love) As parents, we can work together to set household rules upfront and out front.  To make sure that we as husband and wife also upfront know WHO is to make the call and when.  To be slow to let the play unfold.  Don't rush to 'blow the whistle' on every call or behavior.  Work to let God guide you and say 'Be still and know that I am God'. (Psalm 46:10) Call the game with a clear understanding that it's a 'long season' and you don't want to crush a player (child) with a poor judgment call.  Make sure you create - again as our good friend Zig Ziglar says - the 'Home Court Advantage'.  That your family knows you love them and are here for them no matter what.  That we learn from mistakes, we are growing and bonding one day at a time.  Trials will exist, but remind them always 'this too shall pass'.   Encourage 10 times for every 1 discipline. 

One thing we learned in the NBA Referee Development Program was to 'see' the whole court.  Not just one action.  To scan what is going on.  Many refs focus just on the basketball and lose track of the other 'stuff' going on on the court.  How can you relate to that as parents in your 'home court'.

Parents...be aware of your 'home court'. Be keenly aware of body language, countenances, friendships, activities, Facebook, cell phones, etc.  While we should allow for reasonable freedom for our children, there is an overboard and damaging myth and trend that promotes 'let a teen make their own decisions'.  We've seen this in some families and 'freedom' actually 'slows maturity' in kids in teens or early 20's.  They are impacted by a lack of foundational guidance to do the right thing, and this can create an 'all about me' selfishness that is clearly too evident in society in general as a whole. 

Children deep inside want boundaries from parents.  They want leadership.  Unconditional love.  Research clearly shows the safe and solid boundaries, coupled with solid encouragement and support create healthier children.  We like to share to 'Encourage 10 times to every 1 discipline.'  You'll create a champion child who understand love, respect, authority and honor...all while knowing they are able to both stumble and do great things and you will be with them just the same in all circumstances.

Be cautious not to let divorce / two homes for a child create a 'never call a foul' environment in order to 'win' love.   That's not good either.  Parents in both homes, remember, you are not in competition for the children.  It's okay for children to love both homes.  Kids are not 'wired' to have to choose.  They want to feel safe to love.  It is generally the parents who create a 'they must be bad, so I am good' sad scenario.  Most everybody is good.  Nobody is perfect.  Look for the GOOD in all people.

My great friend Jesse Hall holds a double special place in my heart.   He was one of three people who talked to me the most about the Lord and thus brought me to Him.  Jesse also got me into the NBA Referee Development Program.  One is eternal. Both are thrilling.  Jesse still is in the NBA record books as being the referee in the highest scoring game in NBA history.  In triple overtime it was Detroit Pistons 186, Denver Nuggets 184, on Dec 13th, 1983.  I tease Jesse that he took the old adage 'let 'em just play ball' a little too far.  He is a great friend and super speaker should you ever need some great sports or life stories from an incredible guy.  Jesse can 'bring the wood' as they say in some churches.

Jesse would tell you, as I would that we do have a life 'rule book'.  The Bible.  It's the 'All Time - All Timer Best Seller ever!  It's an awesome marriage manual, parenting book, how to live life guide. The rules were followed to create laws in this country.  The Supreme Court has the Ten Commandments standing on it's building.   Many have tried to prove it wrong and failed.  Some have sought to prove it wrong and now are great preachers and teachers.

Now, there are many other great resources out there to help blended families, parents and marriages.  We own them and learn some things from them also.  Many can be found on our website.  But follow the SUCCESS and CHAMPION LIKE FAMILIES in our nation and you will see a solid foundation in faith and togetherness wins more often.   That scoreboard speaks for itself.

We talk about practical tips, parenting skills, real life examples, experiences and everyday stepfamily dynamics in our conferences, but this we know and stand upon.... GOD CAN take your stepfamily... from Broken to Blended to Bonded.  

We are available for speaking, conferences and resources at THE BONDED FAMILY.

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Blended Family Duct Tape Rule 2012

Facing a Stepfamily 'Harsh Word' Moment?

Think TBF 'DUCT TAPE RULE' Now

If you are a member of a stepfamily you know the moment.  Something has wounded you.  Somebody as done or said something inconsiderate, probably hurtful and often done in a flash moment that one wishes they could 'take back'.

So let's together all go buy a roll of 'DUCT TAPE'.  Keep it handy as a image to improve we'll explain below.  So we can implement - both for fun and serious improvement for our families - the "DUCT TAPE RULE".   The uses of duct tape have been chronicled, joked about, tested on TV and basically touted as the 'official fixer' of anything.  Well, perhaps we can add yet another line to duct tape legend.  Heard any words like these?

"Your children are not disciplined!"

"I quit.  I can't handle this marriage this way."

"You favor your kids over mine."

"Your not my Dad!"
"This stepfamily stuff stinks!"

Whether age5 or 95, we've heard of sharp tongue moment stories and outbursts like above and more.  Have any of these ever maybe been you? If so, you're not alone.  Over 23+ million stepfamily households in the USA.  So, given the normal human beings we are... probably about 5 million people today said something that should have fallen under the 'DUCT TAPE RULE'. 

The BLENDED FAMILY DUCT TAPE RULE.

STEPFAMILY Sharped
Tongue Member



I can laugh and say that if I were to recognize all my former slip ups I might look like the DUCT TAPE GUY on the right.

Scripture shares it so well in James 3:5 describing the power of our spoken word (tongue)... 'the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts.   Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.'
American's spend way too little time listening, sharing or communicating with our children.  Then At The Bonded Family we suggest at least 7 minutes a day. It goes fast! Make sure your sitting or standing or kneeling (if they are youngsters) and together you are at their eye level.  Eyeball to eyeball...NOT giant parent to little kid downward communication arrangement.  You'll grow closer at eye level.

Let there be no mistake...our tongue can spark a hurt, a fight or a longstanding squabble.  The more we work to have self-control, the better our family will be.  And in stepfamily dynamics, it IS IMPORTANT to take EXTRA CARE of your tongue and emotions. Every moment or situation, despite seeming big at that instant is not always... 'a hill to take the last dying stand for'.

It truly can be very hard to be still 'in the moment', yet as a potential 'TBF Family Huddle' discussion item, talk about how words can wound.  How things we say in a moment of hurt impact others.  Discuss the Golden Rule when it comes to communicating with one another in our family words. Also even  how our looks at each other. Ask kids to describe 'Mom or Dad' 'I am not happy look'.  That'll bring some laughs.   If your family is a 'word picture', 'symbolic' or 'example' type family, pull out a roll or two of DUCT TAPE and say 'Let's try the 'BLENDED FAMILY DUCT TAPE RULE' from here on out.  "Who is willing to start watching their words better?" 

Get your new family to agree that if you are about to say something...or maybe just said something harsh...go grab the duct tape roll in a way to express that you 'understand' what you said was hurtful and you wish you had duct tape ever your mouth that moment. (**IMPORTANT for 'literal' readers we are NOT recommending duct taping anyone's mouth...it's a WORD PICTURE. Smiling for you.)   

Often times, the recognize a situation can teach and coach maturity in relationships for our children.  After all, we are to 'raise them up in the way they should go.'  Mentoring and Coaching our children to 'hold their tongue' when about to be harsh will SERVE THEIR FUTURES WELL.


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TRY THIS!  PRINT OFF ANY OF THE ABOVE DUCT TAPE PICTURES. PUT IT ON YOUR REFRIGERATOR OR BULLETIN BOARD AS A FUN REMINDER TO YOUR BLENDED FAMILY....LET'S BOND AND USE KIND WORDS.

BLACK CATS and BLENDED FAMILIES

BLACK CATS and BLENDED FAMILIES.
Neither Myth is True...So Live Victoriously!

We are a blended family. 
We own a black cat also. 

Our culture has developed the attitude that blended families don't work... and somehow think that black cats are unlucky. Both these premises are man created MYTHS.  
God didn't create black cats, nor stepfamilies, to be bad, evil or full of potential woesome results. Man's imagination + "stinkin' thinkin'" did.

This morning our 17 year old black cat Crash (would take a whole blog to explain why that name) was walking back and forth in front of our youngest daughter Amanda. She laughed and said 'Wow, Crash has walked back and forth in front of me 5 times so I'll have 35 years bad luck'.  We all laughed.  Crashed looked at us - he holds a very communicative personality - and barked 'meow'.  Crash does seem to bark when he knows he's being talked about.  I was one of those 'don't like cats' guys until this feline was adopted away from homelessness. Crash is my buddy.  I admit it.  Cat-lovers cheer here.

So what does the black cat myth and blended families have in common?  Cats are very consistent in their behavior.  Depending on their 'personality' that can appear to be 'aloof', or maybe 'playful', 'standoff-ish' or sometimes 'mean-spirited'.  Cats actually can be very loyal buddies if you treat them right and 'invest' a little time bonding with them.   

Often personalities and relationship dynamics within blended families can be the same.  Each child is unique, somewhat different in their own special way. Thus relationships should be developed and nurtured differently.  Some will come quicker, some may take years.  Perseverance is a foundational word you hear a lot from our team at The Bonded Family.  Perseverance comes from trusting God. Seeing what happens when you 'let go and let God'. Remember this saying when you feel exasperated or there is no hope.  "God's not done".

It's also a real 'myth' that stepparents and stepchildren can't get along. Just like spending time with a kitten will help one 'bond' with the cat, we recommend that you 'invest time' to discover what talents and treasure each child holds. What are their dreams, hopes and wishes?  Don't simply buy into the negative stepfamily myths.  The more you understand your unique or complex family situation - and that is one of the goals at The Bonded Family - the more success you will have. Understanding behavior is key.  It's why people share with us after our conferences "I wish we knew THEN what we've learned from you NOW".

Putting a stake in the ground and committing your marriage and family into God's hands is the absolute success criteria foundation.  Without it...you are built on sandy soil.  Some will 'turn away' right now reading this saying 'Oh that God stuff', yet the fact are the facts, the true stats are there.  Write us and ask about them.  info@thebondedfamily.com


Our children hear often that rock solid advice for VICTORY in life...

"ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING"

Scripture also holds a verse that speaks to VICTORIOUS LIVING. 
PROVERBS 15:15 shares...

'All the days of the afflicted are bad,
But a cheerful heart has a continual feast.'

Work on your heart.  Discipline your mind.  See the good in all people.  Look for the good in all situations.  Discover the good where you can't see it at first.  Guard against feeling 'afflicted' or you 'days will be bad'.   INSTEAD... say to yourself and ask God to strengthen you and give you a CHEERFUL HEART so that your days and life - and your blended family - will feel as a 'CONTINUAL FEAST'

Sometimes that takes coaching.  We can help. 
Visit our BLENDED FAMILY COACHING page.

Follow us on TWITTER.   Daily Tips to Encourage.

Friend us on FACEBOOK.   Stay up-to-date on what we're doing.

Blended Families, Rough Water and a Guide

 Blended Families... Can Face Rapids and Rough Waters

Listen to the 'GUIDE' as to how to maneuver the rocks.

We've had some tremendous vacations as a Family.  We wrote recently of 'vacating' and it's 'bonding power', because you are 'away, alone and accepting'.  I can't stress the power of 'vacation' as a means to discovering each other and finding blessings and bonds in that time.

One 'Christmas vacation' was a small cabin, at a closed for the winter YMCA camp, just us, that left us with some great memories of 'owning' the Grand Lodge Hall, which we used to produce fun that was captured in video and will echo for decades. 

A 'Tradition' of stopping at Metropolis, IL and getting a picture with Superman lives on even today.  Great joy in youth, 'oh Dad' in teen years.

                    Our memory of visiting Washington DC for the 4th of July fireworks.  Remembering checking in through super tight post 9/11 security, sitting three hours in the intermittent rain on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.  Then to see the skies clear, and the DC Mall ablaze in a patriotic spectacular.  Voted all time best fireworks display by the family. 

'WHITEWATER' COLORADO

WHITEWATER RIVER RAFTING was voted the 'all time, all timer' great family vacation time.  So by now you want to know what that has to do with YOU, and not just our family times??

In stepfamily dynamics you can be assured that there will be some 'rough waters', some turbulence, some 'hold on to your seat' places. Often just simply due to the  'unknown' of what sometimes lies ahead on your family journey.  Stepfamilies often feel like the 'waters are moving fast', that they are 'swept under', that the 'rocks' are seemingly going to 'sink their ship' or the 'marriage or stepfamily raft of life'.   Of this you can be assured.  Those rocks will be ahead.  The waters will swirl and splash.  The whitewater may try to 'throw you off the boat'.  In fact there are usually forces at work 'hoping' you'll be crushed, toppled or even die as a family unit.  Sometime former relationships and wounds will 'reach in' to your family.  Foremost remember that satan is real.  He wants marriages, children, families...all life to be miserable. It's a fact.

God gave YOU and I a message of ENCOURAGEMENT AND HOPE 'for such a time as this'.  In our weak moments, our 'I can't do this' moments, our 'I am going down' moments... read this, repeat this promise of God.  Yes...it is GOD'S PROMISE, not mine, Dr. Phil's, Oprah's or anyone elses...it's God personal commitment and PROMISE to YOU!

Isaiah 43 : 2 shares in Scripture (NIV):

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
   I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
   they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flames will not set you ablaze.

The MESSAGE, another Bible version shares it this way...

"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you, I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
   When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place,
   it won't be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God..."

You see, God offers to be your GUIDE in life.  He knows best how to 'steer' through the rough waters, the rocks and the challenges.  In the picture above our 'GUIDE' is the only person visible.  Our family is 'below the water' so to speak, yet the 'guide' knows exactly how to lead us out of the rough waters.  I put my family's 'trust' in her hands.  People in general seem to only turn to God, to put their trust in Him, during times of catastrophe, serious illness or near death situation.  At The Bonded Family, we suggest turning to Him every day.  Giving thanks when the water is smooth and from where He's taken us already, asking Him to be with us in the journey ahead.  Not just in a crisis.   THE MESSAGE OF THIS BLOG.... LET GOD BE YOUR GUIDE IN YOUR BLENDED FAMILY.  Our research, data, experiences with thousands and success statistics prove it true.  If you think you know a 'smarter' way... perhaps you should check out this page on our website.  http://www.thebondedfamily.com/lifeinstructionmanual

Be sure and visit our website, THE BONDED FAMILY for events, resources and our new WEEKLY VIDEO BONDCAST COACHING.  Best resource for blended families available today for weekly LIVE Question and Answer sessions and topical discussions.  Plus get video mail with TIP OF THE WEEK.
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And remember to Keep Looking UP!

 

Copyright, The Bonded Family 2011